God has been working on me for many months now. He's asking me to change again. He has revealed to me that I'm not as honest as He wants me to be, especially with my family members. I need to stop lying by omission or "shading" the truth to avoid hurting the feelings of other people. I'm not talking about brandishing the truth like a weapon, as an excuse to trample the feelings of others. I'm talking about speaking the truth in love. I'm referring to the truth that will set you free.
Ironically, I'm going to continue to use my pseudonym to maintain the privacy of family members who do NOT want their details shared. Using a pseudonym is a common literary practice and seems appropriate for the time being. If you disagree, I'd love to hear your thoughts.
God has been preparing me to face an emotional 2020. I know there will be tears, pain, anger, relief, and joy. I know this is where God wants to take me this year and He has spent months bringing me to a place where I understood and accepted His will for me at this point in my life. I'm ready to allow God to remove this defect of character from me.
I'm a codependent. My brother is an alcoholic. That's not all he is. He is a good man with many wonderful qualities. I'm not going to enumerate them now because I need to explain how the disease of alcoholism has hurt my family over the course of 2019. My brother lost his job, which was a government position with benefits and a livable wage after going through detox and rehab at least twice. Our mother has had to act as a mother to her two minor grandsons instead of getting to enjoy being their grandmother. My mother and I have had my brother's sons in our homes for the last year for their schooling because neither of them were doing well in school. Our husbands, and I, have had medical issues which are impacted by stress. Our marriages were stressed because our husbands weren't happy with the additional demands made on our time, energy, and financial resources. It was a tough year.
It was made so much more difficult for me because of dishonesty and secrets. I know, I know! Addicts lie. Guess what! So do codependents!
So that's the goal for 2020. Be honest with my family. I'm going to practice:
"Say what you mean, and mean what you say, but don't say it mean." Unknown
I'm terrified that my relationships with my family members may not be strong enough to withstand so much honesty. The Bible tells me repeatedly that I can trust God to be with me through my fear. I don't believe it's wrong or sinful for me to be afraid. It's simply another reminder of my deep, endless need for God in every part of my life. When I'm afraid, I'll continue to talk to God about it and ask for help.
Buckle up though, my expectation is it's going to be a bumpy ride this year. Happy New Year!
