Our New Breadmaker

I used to have a breadmaker.  My mother sent it to me (with recipes) when I was a stay-at-home mom of two growing boys.  I made a lot of bread over the years. 

Eventually my sons moved out and I didn’t have a need to bake a lot of bread, so I gave my machine and the books to my oldest son’s girlfriend (she’s no longer among the sane so I have no access to the books I gave her).

Recently, my husband told me someone he knows was buying a group of breadmakers and was going to give us one. 

I felt put out.

I had no need for it.  I had no time for it.  I had no money for expensive ingredients and I had no room to store the machine. 

Sorry for the negativity, but I’m just keeping it real.

The machine arrived and I put it in a pile of other things I don’t have a place to store.  Weeks went by.  The box started to gather dust. 

A few things changed.  We currently cannot use Walmart grocery to purchase our groceries.  My sister-in-law is shopping for us once a month.  My two nephews spend four days a week at my house and both have good appetites.  I’m using a lot more bread. 

I ran out of bread, so I pulled the machine out.  A few things are different.  The loaves are now rectangular instead of round.  The instructions state the liquids go first, then the dry ingredients with the yeast last.  My last machine recommended putting the yeast and sugar in first and the salt last. 

I’d been craving Crusty Hearth Bread, Oatmeal Dinner Rolls, potato bread, raisin bread and a bread which includes almond extract and butter flavoring in the ingredients. 

The first day I made Crusty Hearth Bread, ingredients in the machine for the dough stage, then transfer to a cookie sheet and bake in a circular shape.  Yummy!  The next day, I made Linda’s Easy Potato Bread.  Yummy even though it fell while baking.  The third day, I made Oatmeal Dinner Rolls.  Phenomenal!  Sixteen delicious, generous, slightly sweet rolls. 

Problem!  No more yeast (I only had 3 packets) and no more flour. 

We purchased a container of bread yeast and 10 pounds of flour as soon as we felt well enough to try to shop. 

I made a two pound loaf of raisin bread and I’ve made French toast with it.  It was okay but I’d prefer more raisins and a bread that’s not so dense.  My mother loves raisin bread, so I sent most of the loaf home with her. 

I made another loaf of Linda’s Easy Potato Bread and thought I’d solved the reason the first loaf fell (I peeked while it was rising or baking).  It still fell and I didn’t peek. 

For the life of me, I cannot find the recipe for the bread which includes almond extract and butter flavoring.  Okay, I figured out it was a poppy seed bread (most likely).  I also tracked down the recipe book I previously owned (it’s a series of six now with the first one updated and republished). 

I can’t wait to try making sweet rolls, hamburger buns, cranberry orange bread, banana bread, zucchini bread, pumpkin bread……. 

Many, many thanks to the generous donor of our breadmaker!   

My First Library Card

I’ve always loved to read. 

My mother read to me while I was still in the womb.  She heard or read that by doing that, she would teach her child to love reading.  It worked for me. 

I don’t remember my exact age, but I do remember when I was allowed to get my first library card.  I was so excited!  My mom had been taking me to the library, but now I could walk to the library on my own and check out books with the help of the librarian. 

I felt so grown up!

I wasn’t allowed to choose a book from any section of the library, but I had access to as much as I could read. 

I was voracious. 

I visited the library frequently and read many, many books. 

The books opened up the whole world to me.  I could read about other cultures.  I could read about other countries.  I could read about subjects that piqued my curiosity. 

Books became a way for me to escape the reality of my abusive step-father Dick.  I would become so entranced in a book, he could stand right next to the chair I was sitting in and I wouldn’t hear him talking to me. 

I love to sit in the stacks and peruse the book covers for interesting titles.  Then I pare down my choices to a few select for me to take home and savor.  I can spend hours in the library.   

I’ve lived all over the country and had library cards everywhere I’ve lived.  In Georgia, I had no money so reading was inexpensive entertainment.  I read about Egyptian President Nasser and the Suez Canal.  When I lived in California, the library was an inexpensive source of entertainment for myself and my sons.  I enjoyed Stephen King, Aldous Huxley, and Nevada Barr,  We also read many African folktales including some narrated by James Earl Jones.   When I lived in Nebraska, I found books that taught me how to can produce from my garden.  When I lived in Washington state, I loved to wander the beautiful libraries looking for random reading material.  Since returning to Arizona, I’ve mostly read books to increase my knowledge about different topics, rather than purely for pleasure.  Unfortunately, my vertigo makes it very difficult to:  get to the library, see clearly enough to read, stay focused long enough to get past a page or two, and retain any new information learned.  Oh well.  I had a really good, really long run at one of my most favorite things to do. 

Thanks Mom.  Thanks for walking me up the stairs to the library entrance and allowing me to get my first library card.  Thanks for trusting me enough to allow me to walk myself to the library often.  Thank you for a gift of reading that I’ve cherished. 

Snow Day

Well, this is almost unheard of.  The forecast snow storm actually arrived.  My mother doesn’t like to drive in snow, so she had forewarned me there was impending inclement weather.   

Early this morning, she sent me a link to local traffic information which showed many road closures due to snow.  The city had already closed its offices for the day.  My brother works for the state and they hadn’t closed.  I let my brother know his boys could spend the day with me and was trying to decide whether or not they were going to have school at my house.  (The youngest has been doing his school at my mom’s for the last week and a half due to behavior issues which meant they needed to be kept apart.)  I began getting ready for their arrival.

An hour later, my mom sent a group text to my brother and I and our out-of-state sisters of her yard with five inches of snow and still falling.  I followed up with a photo from my front door.  My fun sister Tammi suggested we make snow angels.  I advised I do not want to touch the snow: I only like the way it looks.  My brother reported his boys were up at 6 am playing in the snow in his yard.  They did make snow angels.  He announced his office was closed for the day. 

Yay!  Now the boys get a real snow day to play!  I notified their online charter school.  Ours is an odd situation since they’re attending class online but not at my brother’s home.  We’ll have to catch up, but it’s worth it to have a rare day to play in this white stuff we almost never get. 

My brother added photos of his yard to the group message. 

I’m thinking I get a snow day too!  Hopefully.  My husband is horking (the sound he makes when he’s puking and nothing is coming up).  I’m thinking I’ll work on writing my blog and watch some scary flicks, maybe catch a few episodes of “Designated Survivor”. 

Three hours later, my mom reports her power is out.  Yikes!  We’ve already had two brown-outs, so I turn off what I don’t need.  I play nurse to my husband (I’m not very good at it): made him peppermint tea and oatmeal but he can’t hold anything down, brought him things he asked for and checked in on him while he slept.

I did watch two episodes of my series and two scary movies. I worked on my blog and actually enjoyed it instead of feeling like it was a chore.  I haven’t gotten dressed.  I ate homemade tuna salad on homemade bread for lunch (both made earlier in the week).  I snacked a bit here and there.  Our power never went out.  Yay!

I saw two cars drive past during the morning.  A little before noon, two more vehicles drove past.  The pickup stopped at a stop sign, then tried to turn right, couldn’t do it without sliding and skidding until he got some traction again.  Heard sirens approach and stop about a block away around mid-afternoon.  Have seen a few more vehicles drive past late in the afternoon.  It has stopped snowing.  The air temperature has increased to the point that it’s melting now. 

My mom reported their power was back on about five hours after it went out.  Mom and Dad had breakfast in their camper and listened to the news on their radio.  They’re fine and grateful. 

My family prayed for my husband and he got a good two hour nap.  He’s still not feeling well but at least he’s rested for the moment. 

I fed our little dog and she began whining because she wanted to be let into the side yard.  I let her out but she wouldn’t step off the covered concrete into the snow.  Pansy!  

My Pity Pot

I’m feeling so overwhelmed by my emotions right now.  I’m exhausted.  I cry at the drop of the hat.  I become frustrated in the blink of an eye.  I’m distraught. 

I want to curl up in a ball under a thick, warm blanket and cry until I have no tears left.  I’m so sad about the current state of my life.

Vertigo has stolen my ability to work, my income, my independence, my ability to get my own groceries, my ability to get in my car and drive myself to the library, the bank, or to lunch with a friend. 

I’m worn out from the symptoms.  I’m tired of fighting with my primary care “physician” to get the referrals my husband and I need.  I’m tired of hearing “it’s normal” in regards to tests when nothing in my life is normal any more.  I’m bored to tears but too tired to figure out something to do. 

Wah, wah, wah.  I need to just cry this out.  

I want to feel good again.  I don’t have any bread or pizza that my nephews like left in the house.  I can’t go to the grocery store myself to purchase more.  I can’t bake any more homemade bread because I don’t have any yeast and can’t drive myself to the store.  I could order grocery pickup but can’t use my SNAP card for that and don’t have any income right now.  I want to read a good book but can’t get to the library and the daily headaches make reading and concentrating difficult.  I would love to scrapbook some photos but don’t have anywhere to do it in my home.  I’d love to spend a day hunting but by the time I’ve loaded us up, I’m so dizzy I need to take medication but the medication knocks me out for 24 hours and it’s really hard to look for game when you’re asleep.

I’d love to have lunch out with a friend but I’m unable to drive myself and I hate asking because what if they say yes when they really want to say no?  I’d love to invite a friend over for coffee but what if I’m too dizzy to concentrate well enough to engage in a conversation? 

I don’t want to cry, really I don’t.  I can’t stand pessimistic people who can’t see the positive in life, but at the moment.  I got nothing nice to say and I’m just going to sit here on my pity pot and cry awhile. 

I’ll write when I’m capable but I’m no longer promising to try to do it daily.  I can’t meet that goal. 

This Too Shall Pass

Worn out.

I’m worn out from a month of being a Learning Coach to two young men who don’t seem to care about anything but having fun in the moment. 

They started the week out with no overdue lessons.  Both wasted so much time this week arguing with me and cutting up with each other that they now have overdue lessons and have homework this weekend. 

I’m at a loss for words. 

I was supposed to ride around the desert mountains looking for javalina yesterday.  By the time the truck was loaded up, I was dizzy and nauseous.  I took a promethazine for the nausea; first time I’d taken the full dose.  Ugh!

I couldn’t keep my eyes opened and ended up crawling into the back seat to nap while my husband and brother-in-law looked for them. 

I thought I’d be okay by noon.  I woke up just long enough to eat a portion of Lemon Pepper tuna and a half dozen crackers. 

I slept all day on a too narrow seat with no support for my head or back.  I was cold all day because I had no blanket and the windows weren’t rolled up. 

I had some Ruffles for dinner. 

I told my husband I wasn’t joining him today and went back to sleep. 

I woke up to say goodbye this morning, rolled over and went back to sleep. 

I got up a little before noon today. 

I watched a couple of documentaries about food. 

I decided I’m sick of feeling sick after I eat and I’m, going vegan. 

I spent hours looking for vegan recipes to try on myself and my husband. 

Recipes are tucked away now and I’m planning to have fast food for dinner, when my husband returns. 

Love / Hate Relationship

Grandma Jones lived in the farmhouse where she raised three sons and two daughters with Grandpa Jones. Grandpa died when I was two years old. I was his only granddaughter at the time, many more were born after me. The farmhouse was large; two stories. You entered by the side door into a “mud” room, then up a step and to the right into the kitchen. There was a large bathroom off the kitchen. If you turned left at the entrance, there was a large dining room with a coal furnace, a record player and a treadle sewing machine. I spent hours listening to the records other people had left, including The Beatles album my biodad left. To the left was the coat closet directly across from the front door. Grandma’s closet was full of gallon containers with the spouts cut off to form large scoops. They were full to the brim with dominos, marbles, army men, etcetera. If you continued straight through the dining room, there was a living room with a piano in it and lots of knickknacks behind glass doors in cupboards. To the right of the living room were two doors. The door on the left led into Grandma’s bedroom, which was on the small side. The door to the right was a wide staircase up to the second floor.

The room at the top of the stairs was painted bright white and had a fringed chenille bedspread on it. The walls were lined with toy refrigerator, sink, cupboards, etc. There were plastic meats, vegetables, and fruit. It was a room for two little girls (my Mom and Aunt) to play at being grownup. We spent many bad weather days riding blankets and sheets down the stairs and into the door at the bottom of the staircase. I don’t remember ever getting in trouble for that activity. The upstairs room were accessible one after another, so the two in the middle had to be entered via another room. The next room was another girl’s room with a matching bedspread in a different color in it. This was the room where we napped. The next room had apparently been a boy’s bedroom at one time; however, there were no beds in it then. This was the biggest room in the house, you could easily fit six twin size beds in it. When I was a child, there were some steamer trunks lining a wall and there were loads of dress up clothes in them. In the center of the room, there sat an enormous table that took up most of the room. It was covered from one end to the other with railroad tracks, miniature trees and buildings. There were tunnels through mountains. There was a frozen lake. It was magnificent. The last room was another boy’s room. The walls were covered by pennants from various colleges. This room was dark; and it seemed the sun never shone into it. I didn’t spend much time in this room as it was uninteresting to me and more than a little creepy. There was a railing along one side of the room along one side of the narrow, dark stairway. Along the outer wall, running the length of the stairwell were bookcases. These bookcases were stuffed full of books. There were: “Nancy Drew”, “The Hardy Boys”, and “Reader’s Digest Condensed Books”. The only place I’ve ever seen more books is the library. I spent many hours sitting on the steps, in the twilight in that stairwell, reading.

I loved that stairwell and its treasure trove of books. I hated that stairwell because it was dark and creepy. I believed there was a witch who lived in the room at the top of the stairs. I believed she hid in the corner closet during the day. I had many nightmares where somehow I ended up staying too late in the stairwell and she came out and nearly got me before I woke up terrified.

My Apology for Missing a Daily Post

Oops!

I apologize. It was my intention to post each day when I started this blog. I had realized it was likely I was going to miss days occasionally due to vertigo and migraines and I wanted to warn you in advance. I didn’t get the warning out because there’s so much to tell you and so little time and I didn’t get a new post published yesterday. This is going to happen from time to time.

I was under a great deal of pressure, both physical and emotional, on Thursday and Friday. Yesterday I was simply worn out. I got out of bed and laid down on the couch. I alternated between sleeping and watching television all day.

I did the dishes around 4 pm. Then I started working on a monthly grocery list so it can be ready when my sister-in-law has time to shop for us. I was mostly seated for that with a few forays into the kitchen cupboards and freezers.  Around 6 pm, I made dinner and that only took about a half hour.  I was asleep by 8 pm.  

I completely forgot about posting a blog because I was focused on the bare necessities of life, recovering some physical and emotional strength, and didn’t even register it was a separate, individual day.

My promise to you is that I will not forsake this blog.  I’m having too much fun sharing my stories with you to stop.  I will try to write ahead on good days so there’s something to post on bad days.  I will strive to publish daily; however, on really bad days, I may be silent.  I will return as soon as possible.  

Today, my best is enough.  This is huge for a perfectionist in recovery.

Thank you for reading and commenting.  I’d love to hear your stories and opinions too.   

New to Blogging

Hello and welcome to my new blog!

I'm blogging because I'm not able to work outside my home anymore.  I started working at the age of 11 and continued until the middle of August of 2018.  I loved to work.  My work was part of my identity most of my life.  Things have changed.

I woke up one morning, excited to be on vacation for two days to spend time with out-of-state family. As I was getting ready for the day, I lost my equilibrium in the shower and nearly fell.  The vertigo persisted, my husband and I went to my doctor's office but she had no appointments available and told me to go to the local emergency room.  I drove to the emergency room but when I left several hours later, the vertigo was worse and I couldn't safely drive myself.  I haven't driven since.  I haven't worked since.  Four months and many tests and specialists later, I still don't have a cause or effective course of treatment.

I don't know what to do with myself.  I've done a lot of research and learned some coping skills but my life has changed dramatically.  I've filed for disability but would prefer to be self supporting.  My mother suggested I try blogging.  I've always loved to read, write and talk to people.  So I'm going to learn how to do this and am excited about the possible outcomes.

I've been reading a comprehensive book about blogging for over a month now and am ready to begin. I'm certain I will make some mistakes along the way.  I hope the learning curve doesn't take too long.  I look forward to getting to know you and sharing my life's struggles, lessons and successes with you.