The 3/5-3/8 2019 School Week in Review

This week being a learning coach was mostly a blessing.  Last week, it felt like a curse.   

My 10 year old nephew Nathan is an everyday liar.  I’ve learned through conversations with other adult family members that this has been a problem for years and Nathan continues even when caught blatantly lying.  I hate being lied to.  If you lie to me and I know it, I’m going to call you out. 

This week, I remembered how much I lied at his age.  I was distrustful of everyone and lied to protect myself.  I’m like a reformed smoker who wants to force the rest of the world to stop.  I’m a recovering Control Freak!     

Nathan is lazy.  He’ll ask me for scratch paper that is the same distance from me, as from him, expecting me to retrieve it with a sly grin on his face. I haven’t told Nathan he’s lazy: he told me “I’m lazy” while smirking.  He consistently chooses what requires the least of him.  He’s in a remedial reading course (in addition to his regular Language Arts) because I was concerned he may have missed some essentials previously.  Yesterday, I observed him skipping through being read the stories and guessing at the answers until he hit upon the right one.  He lied about it even though I was standing behind him as he did it and saw with my own eyes.  It seems his reading skills problem is from his choice to do as little as possible.   

This week, we talked about how the bible says a person who’s not willing to work, shouldn’t eat.  We identified what Nathan’s work is school right now.  I’ve begun seeking opportunities to praise extra effort, regardless of the end result.  I’m a recovering Perfectionist, so I tend to be very harsh in my expectations and interactions.   

Nathan is disrespectful of his elders.  He argues with me every day.  He uses sarcasm and insinuates a lack of intelligence.  If I say get out your English book;   he responds with a sneer in his voice, “Do you mean Language Arts?”  If I tell him it’s time to take the test; he says “It’s a Quick Check.”  When an adult says no, he demands to know why.  He pulled the stitching out of one of my best chairs.  He uses other people’s belongings without asking.  He has strewn the contents of his school art kit about because he doesn’t put his belongings away unless I stand over him like a drill sergeant.     

This week, I realized that the adults in my family may be talking about and treating each other in ways that are disrespectful in front of him.  I have criticized the lesson content, the communication with people at the school, and the frequent class changes and cancellations in front of him.  Our attitude is often that if someone disagrees with us, they lack intelligence.  One of the things I said repeatedly in my former life was, “Stupid people annoy me!”  I’ve started trying to change this behavior in myself.   

Nathan rarely takes personal accountability for his actions.  He told me “Everyone lies.” when I confronted him about a lie he had just told me.  He has blamed shoddy schoolwork on myself and his grandmother.  He blames low assessment grades on poorly written questions and not being taught the material.  This week, we discussed the fact that we’re both Christians and will have to give an accounting to God someday and that God won’t want to hear what anyone else did when we’re discussing what we did.   

This week I put up new verses and we talked about what they mean and how they apply to us.  Luke 17:2 is my verse for the week, “It would be better for them (me) to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones (Nathan) to stumble.”  As an adult Christian in my nephews life, I’m a representative of God.  He learns who God is by observing who I am.  If I don’t behave in a way which is deserving of respect; how is he supposed to respect God?  If I use scripture (God’s word) to beat this child and fill him with shame; then he’ll believe God sees him as worthless and unredeemable.  

Nathan came prepared to listen and do this week.  He didn’t lie to me until Friday.  He didn’t attempt to skip lesson material without permission until Friday.  He suffered some natural consequences (instead of me trying to force a different behavior)  for not following directions and had to use “free time” to complete some assignments he didn’t finish during assigned school time because he was stalling or refused to follow directions.  I had many opportunities to praise him. 

I Wanna Be Right!

As an abused child, my step-dad Dick told me over and over how wrong I was and led me to believe he might love me IF I did something, anything right. 

I became an adult abuse survivor who desperately needed to be right, so I could be worthy and loved. 

I learned in 12-step meetings to ask myself “Do I wanna be right? Or do I wanna be happy?”  Most of the time, this questions allows me to let go of an argument and my need to win it. 

Exception found. 

For some reason, having a 7 or 10 year old argue with me drives me to the edge of madness! 

Me:          On the next slide, you’ll be taking a quiz.

Student:   It’s a quiz check. 

Day after day, for crying out loud, it’s an assessment!  They’re all assessments and it doesn’t make you any smarter by arguing with me again and again! 

Me:          Go to the next slide and reread the text.

Student:   I’ve already done this.

Me:          Do it again. 

Student:   But I’ve already done this.

Me:          I know, read it again, the slide says REread.

Student:   But that’s not fair, I’ve already read it!

Day after day, lesson after lesson.  Quit arguing with me and do what I’ve asked you to do!

Me:          Let’s start with Math today.

Student:   Aw, I wanted to do Language Arts first. 

Another day. 

Me:          Let’s start with Language Arts today.

Student:   Can’t we start with Art today?

Day after day.  Power struggle after power struggle.

Me:           Why did you skip slide 10?

Student:    I didn’t. 

Me:           You were just on slide 9, now you’re on slide 11.  Did you watch the videos?

Student:    No. 

Me:           Why not?

Student:    I didn’t think I needed to.

Me:           Where’s your notebook (where he has written he won’t skip parts of the lessons without my express permission.)?

Student:   My brother took it home.

Minutes later, I pull out both of his notebooks. 

Me:           Why did you tell me your brother took your notebook home?

Student:    I didn’t. 

What am I missing here?  Day after day. 

And at the end of the day? 

Damn it! 

I want to be right! 

School is in Session

Here are some of the memories my nephews and I are making while they attend an  online charter school with me acting as their learning coach.

Bouncing

School is in session for 8 hours Tuesday through Friday with a one hour lunch break which means they’re here for 9 hours.  The boys are 7 and 10 years of age.  It’s unnatural to require children to sit still for 4 hour periods of time, so they get breaks.  The usually want to play WII on their breaks.  The 10 year old sits on the couch while playing.  The 7 year old stands and bounces throughout his break regardless of its length.  I’ve heard the 10 year old tell his little brother to just sit still for 10 seconds! 

Yes, this child can bounce non-stop for 30 minutes straight while playing WII and talking.  I raised a hyperactive son and I’ve never seen this level of constant movement before. 

Vocalizing

The 10 year old doesn’t move nearly as much as his brother; his thing is vocalizing.  He randomly sings snippets of songs he’s heard.  The other day I’m across the room assisting his little brother when I tune in to what the older brother is doing.  He’s singing nonsense words with clicks interspersed as if he’s been hanging out with African singers.  Random!

Stinking

Some days I wonder if they have early onset dementia.  One day early in this adventure, the older nephew was sitting at a small computer desk which is situated next to the doggy door.  We have a little Jack Russell, she’s sweet and quirky and old.  It was winter and the door was creating a draft.  Our dog was off somewhere in town with my husband.  My nephew shut the doggy door.  At the end of the day, I’m having him tidy up (he’s a Pigpen-not in appearance but in the level of chaos he leaves behind him) when I notice the doggy door is closed.  I confirmed it was okay to close it if he was cold and she wasn’t home.  I explained he just needed to remember to open it again before he left for the day.  He stated he understood and continued tidying up as it was the end of the school day.  The next morning, my little doggy left him a stinking mess just inside the doggy door, which he had not reopened for her.  The first thing my nephew did when he arrived was clean it up.  

Shining

I left the boys at the table and went to the restroom.  Right after I flushed, I noticed something shining in the bottom of the toilet bowl.  A large paperclip.  I asked which nephew had deposited it in the toilet.  Both claimed to have no knowledge initially.  Eventually, the younger nephew told me he had.  I explained he would need to retrieve it after class was over for the day.  I gave him a glove and a towel and he retrieved it.  When I told my mom what had happened, she asked him if that’s what is wrong with one of her toilets too. 

Fidgeting

The 7 year old moves constantly even when seated.  Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.  Lean forward, lean back, lean over for a hug.  Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.  He was sitting next to the wall and nearly pulled the WIFI modem off the wall while wiggling.  He has no idea he’s doing it and I’m not inclined to harangue him throughout the day by telling him to sit still repeatedly.  Again, I think it’s unnatural.  I prefer active to lazy.  I moved his older brother to the seat by the wall and explained he needed to exit the chair on the side away from the wall.  Physically, he’s much calmer than his younger brother; however, he’s managed to knock the power strip off the wall and reset the WIFI by bumping into them unintentionally. 

I hope there are many more memories to be made with these two. 

Snow Day

Well, this is almost unheard of.  The forecast snow storm actually arrived.  My mother doesn’t like to drive in snow, so she had forewarned me there was impending inclement weather.   

Early this morning, she sent me a link to local traffic information which showed many road closures due to snow.  The city had already closed its offices for the day.  My brother works for the state and they hadn’t closed.  I let my brother know his boys could spend the day with me and was trying to decide whether or not they were going to have school at my house.  (The youngest has been doing his school at my mom’s for the last week and a half due to behavior issues which meant they needed to be kept apart.)  I began getting ready for their arrival.

An hour later, my mom sent a group text to my brother and I and our out-of-state sisters of her yard with five inches of snow and still falling.  I followed up with a photo from my front door.  My fun sister Tammi suggested we make snow angels.  I advised I do not want to touch the snow: I only like the way it looks.  My brother reported his boys were up at 6 am playing in the snow in his yard.  They did make snow angels.  He announced his office was closed for the day. 

Yay!  Now the boys get a real snow day to play!  I notified their online charter school.  Ours is an odd situation since they’re attending class online but not at my brother’s home.  We’ll have to catch up, but it’s worth it to have a rare day to play in this white stuff we almost never get. 

My brother added photos of his yard to the group message. 

I’m thinking I get a snow day too!  Hopefully.  My husband is horking (the sound he makes when he’s puking and nothing is coming up).  I’m thinking I’ll work on writing my blog and watch some scary flicks, maybe catch a few episodes of “Designated Survivor”. 

Three hours later, my mom reports her power is out.  Yikes!  We’ve already had two brown-outs, so I turn off what I don’t need.  I play nurse to my husband (I’m not very good at it): made him peppermint tea and oatmeal but he can’t hold anything down, brought him things he asked for and checked in on him while he slept.

I did watch two episodes of my series and two scary movies. I worked on my blog and actually enjoyed it instead of feeling like it was a chore.  I haven’t gotten dressed.  I ate homemade tuna salad on homemade bread for lunch (both made earlier in the week).  I snacked a bit here and there.  Our power never went out.  Yay!

I saw two cars drive past during the morning.  A little before noon, two more vehicles drove past.  The pickup stopped at a stop sign, then tried to turn right, couldn’t do it without sliding and skidding until he got some traction again.  Heard sirens approach and stop about a block away around mid-afternoon.  Have seen a few more vehicles drive past late in the afternoon.  It has stopped snowing.  The air temperature has increased to the point that it’s melting now. 

My mom reported their power was back on about five hours after it went out.  Mom and Dad had breakfast in their camper and listened to the news on their radio.  They’re fine and grateful. 

My family prayed for my husband and he got a good two hour nap.  He’s still not feeling well but at least he’s rested for the moment. 

I fed our little dog and she began whining because she wanted to be let into the side yard.  I let her out but she wouldn’t step off the covered concrete into the snow.  Pansy!  

An Aunt’s Love and Scrutiny

Imagine you’re 10 years old and failing all your 4^th grade classes. Imagine you’ve already been held back once. Imagine you have questions; but your teacher doesn’t have time to give you the one on one attention you need because they have 20 other students in class. Imagine you’re smart and often bored and distracted. Imagine you start having behavior problems and get sent to the office where it’s quieter than the classroom. Imagine you get sent home often, and your dad works full time so it’s your grandma who comes and gets you.

Imagine you’re 7 years old and struggling in school. Imagine you struggle to remain still for any amount of time at all. Imagine you spend eight hours a day at school where you’re expected to sit still. Imagine you’re intelligent and inquisitive. Imagine you have more questions than your teacher has time to answer. Imagine you start getting in trouble at school every day. Imagine you dread going to school and get physically ill almost every day just thinking about going to school.

Imagine the grownups in your life realize the current situation is not working well for either of you, so they sign you up for an online charter school.

I imagine you think this is going to be sweet. You’re 10 years old and you remember when mom was “home-schooling” you before you went to a brick and mortar school. She told everyone you were on the honor roll, but she was doing the work for you while you played video games. I imagine you think Aunt Maria is going to do your homework for you while you play video games. Au contraire my little chickadees.

I imagine the last week has been a difficult adjustment for you. Unexpected. You haven’t seen much of your Aunt Maria’s stern side, until now.

Aunt Maria loves you and she’s only responsible for watching you and your brother. She wants you to have a strong academic foundation so you can choose college if that’s your desire as an adult. She wants you to spend time around adults of good, strong, moral character so your core values have the opportunity to develop. Aunt Maria raised two intelligent, boisterous, inquisitive, difficult boys. She’s no pushover.

Welcome to your Aunt Maria’s love and scrutiny!

Shaking My Head Over Spilt Coffee

So class is in session.  It’s late morning.  Nathan is to my left, Noah is to my right.  We’re all sitting at my dining room table which is a small, rectangular one which can comfortably sit four people.  They each have a laptop in front of them and are working on lessons.  I’m sitting between them.  We have a stack of class books in front of us that’s at least 7 books high.  There are art supplies on the table to include an 8 1/2 by 11 sketchpad.  There are two bottled waters on the table, labeled with names.  My half full coffee cup is between myself and the stack of books. 

I have no depth perception.

I finish talking and reach for my coffee cup.  Instead of grasping the handle with my fingers, my hand pummels the cup and knocks it over.  Coffee everywhere!  I snatch up the books, grab paper towels and direct my older nephew to grab a clean dishcloth to wipe down the laptop he’s rescued.  I’m apologizing profusely.  My nephews, Nathan and Noah are looking at me wide-eyed. 

The books are dry (no clue how that happened!).  The laptop is dry (again, no idea!).  Nathan’s sketchpad is soaked along one edge and two of his drawings are stained coffee brown.  I apologize and apologize.  Nathan doesn’t seem to accept.  I don’t blame him.  I’m thinking through possible ways to salvage the art.  We’ll figure it out.

We settle back in to classwork.  More than an hour goes by.  Nathan says, “Aunt Maria, I’m really wet.”  I look down and his right jean leg is soaked!  Poor kid!  He tells me it stinks (he thinks it smells like vomit, but it’s just cold coffee).  I apologize again and give him a pair of my long, black shorts to wear.  I put his coffee soaked jeans in the laundry. 

I apologize again, profusely.  I’m so clumsy and so sorry and I can’t believe he’s suffered in wet, smelly jeans so long without saying anything!  The shorts fit reasonably well and we go on about our business for the day.

When Grandma arrives to pick them up, the jeans are retrieved from the dryer and are still wet (not sure why they didn’t dry).  Nathan ended up wearing his Aunt Maria’s shorts home. 

I can totally believe this happened.  I am very clumsy.  Ironic that the adult at the table is the one who made a mess.  Said adult is no longer allowed to have uncapped beverages on the table during school time. 

I cannot believe how much liquid is in a half cup of coffee!!!

Do you have a clumsy moment to share?   

I Couldn’t Have Imagined This!

Thank You Father God!  With one plan, You’re blessing me, my nephews, my husband, my parents, and my brother and I’m sure the blessings spread beyond what I’ll ever know. 

It’s been a week and a half since I started coaching my nephews.  They’re 7 and 10 and were not succeeding in a traditional brick and mortar school.  I’m not here to bash teachers, there are good and bad apples in every barrel, but our education system is broken. 

I’d moved back to my hometown and was happily married.  My husband and I were attending a vibrant church with a loving Celebrate Recovery program.  I was working in child protection and we had more than adequate income and good health insurance coverage.  My husband was teaching me to hunt and I’d discovered it was fun to share his passion and I was reasonably good at it.  I envisioned us spending the rest of our lives loving each other, family, and forever family (fellow Christians).  I thought I was going to work right up to retirement.  All I wanted was God’s will for my life and I was asking him for a different job. 

The vertigo came on suddenly, taking me by surprise.  At first, I was just frustrated (I hate to be sick, period.)  I thought I’d be back to normal in a few days.  That hasn’t happened.  My health is preventing me from working and has basically turned me into a shut in.  I hate it.  I have no income.  I had to give up my position with the state because I couldn’t pay the health insurance premiums.  I can’t do normal things like house cleaning, grocery shopping, and personal care like I used to do; I have to find ways to accomplish these things with the help of family.  I felt like I wasn’t contributing to society.   

Because I haven’t been able to work for four months, the idea that I might serve as a Learning Coach appealed to me.  I was concerned I wouldn’t be able to do it, physically.  I want to be reliable.  After much prayer, much talk with my mother, and much research, I decided to commit to trying it out. 

Whoo boy!  My nephews are delivered to my home four mornings a week.  (I can’t drive right now.)  They’re always smiling and happy to arrive.  They each have a laptop and a seat at my dining room table and I sit between them while they do their online classes.  (Movement is a trigger.)  I clarify what needs to be done, answer questions, and try to keep them on task.  We eat a light, easy lunch:  sandwiches, pizza, leftovers, etc.  They don’t seem to notice when my symptoms get bad.  I hold still when I can, wall walk when I have to, lie down briefly when needed, and smile.  So far, so good.    

I’m blessed.  I get to contribute.  Even better than that, I get to spend time getting to know these marvelous young men.  I get to experience a wide range of emotions, including love (the younger nephew loves to hug and tell me he loves me, so sweet!), amusement (oh my gosh, they’re funny and the older nephew is exploring his gift of humor and testing what makes people laugh), boredom (yes, there are those moments when they’re both engaged in their lessons and I’ve nothing to do but wait), frustration (why can’t I find what I need easily on the school’s website?), fearful (can I handle this?), exhausted (sometimes I almost fall asleep during breaks and I’m not as productive on the weekends), grouchy (side effect of health issues and I try to keep it to myself), joyful (I love these guys!), optimistic and proud (it’s an amazing feeling when you realize they got a concept they were struggling with or are learning how to be students).  

My nephews are blessed to be taking online classes with teachers that are assigned to them, using technology to learn in a world that is technology-driven, with an aunt who loves them sitting next to them giving them tons of attention and love, and a family who loves them and works together to give them the best we can.   

In just a week and a half, I’ve been so challenged and I’ve learned so much about my nephews, my family, teachers, and myself.  I can’t wait to find out what will happen next!

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”                                    Ephesians 3:20

We have nowhere to go but up!

My nephews are Nathan and Noah. Nathan is 10 years old and in the 4^th grade. Noah is 7 years old and in the 2^nd grade. They’re both super curious, highly intelligent, funny, loving young men. We’ve been living in the same town a couple of years now and were used to interacting at least weekly.

They were enrolled in a normal brick and mortar school but were having some issues which came to a head halfway through this school year. Their father, my brother Adam, is a single father with full custody. He works full time and spends most of his “leisure” time caring for his sons. He’s a great dad, loving and patient. He had some health issues, so my nephews were staying with my mom, their grandmother. She communicated with the school about the health problems my brother was facing because they were life threatening and it was emotionally traumatic for my nephews.

The school was unhelpful with the situation and called my mom nearly every day to come get one or the other or both for behavior issues. The school has refused to provide any practical assistance with them. My mother got them into counseling. We did the research and decided to remove them from the brick and mortar public school. That’s when we discovered neither was succeeding academically and the older one, Nathan, had straight Fs in every class at the end of the first semester.

Because of my vertigo, I can’t work or drive. I’m in the house all day. Pretty much the only thing that seems to really work is for me to try not to move, so that’s mostly what I’ve done over the past five months. Not who I am. Not who I want to be. I feel the need to work and contribute beyond myself.

I’m trying my hand at being their Learning Coach. Pretty much, I’m a teacher’s aide assigned to the two of them only. They are at my home four days a week to work on their lessons, which are mostly online but with lots of textbooks and workbooks to go with the online curriculum. I’m here to keep them honest, on task, and on target. It’s mostly a sit-down job.

Day #1 turned out much better than anticipated as the laptop which arrived the day before functioned in the way it was designed. I’m technologically inept so this was a huge bonus for me. We’ve had some technological issues. First and foremost is the school supplies one computer per family and we have two students. We didn’t think it would be a problem because the expectation was, they would each spend 30% of their time online. Turns out they spend closer to 100% each online. As the Learning Coach, I also need to get online to check planners, grades, webmail and confirm lesson completions. I’m unable to do this during school time as we each must log in as ourselves. We got the school laptop connected to my printer so both nephews can print when needed. Noah had his first live lesson today; Nathan and I enjoyed laughing at him because he seemed to be talking to himself when he was talking to his teacher. Noah and I were able to post a reply on the teacher’s message board and attach his photo and a sample of his artwork. Nathan and I couldn’t figure it out from the school laptop during school hours today; but we seem to have figured it out shortly afterward. We may or may not have figured out how to scan images to each computer.

Day #2 seemed a little better than day one and day one wasn’t that bad. Yeah, I was tuckered out by noon and laid on the couch resting while they ate lunch and played WII. Noah gave me another dozen or so hugs, just like on day one. Today, Nathan gave me a hug too.

Day #3 seemed to go even better! Nathan didn’t have any emotional outbursts. When I told Nathan I was spending more time sitting next to Noah because he needed extra help; he seemed to understand and accept that explanation. I’m very dismayed at their preparedness to learn. They don’t know how to be students. They don’t want to read or write more than a couple sentences. They want to skip around and guess. They don’t know how to take notes. We have nowhere to go but up!

I’m super grateful to have this opportunity to get to know them better (because they’re delightful!) and to have a positive influence on their lives. I would never have felt able to do this if I was physically able to work. God is good and I’m blessed!