The Truth is I Deserve Whatever I Get

I heard myself venting the other morning about how I didn't deserve this (by this I was referring to my current health conditions which include vertigo, nausea, confusion, frequent migraines, and neuropathy).  I was saying I don't deserve this and I stopped mid-sentence.

I realized I was lying.  To myself.  And I'd been lying to myself often.  For nearly 2 years.  And to others.  I'd been angry at God because of my lies.  Ugh!

I'm more often wrong than right!

Thankfully, I'm learning to accept my condition as simply part of being human and imperfect.  I know God loves and accepts me as I am.  He's much more forgiving of me than I am of myself.  I try to treat me the same way I treat others...with grace and God's love.

I didn't treat my body well.  I started stealing cigarettes at 11 and was smoking 3 packs a day by the time I was 18 years old and stationed at Fort Gordon, Georgia in the Army.  I began drinking in high school and loved the way it numbed my emotional pain and made me feel invincible.  I drank heavily.  I blacked out when I drank but continued to do things that I didn't remember the following day and there are periods of time I still can't recall.  It's a little scary.  I'd like to do a genealogy test, but...  I didn't care much for drugs, I didn't care for feeling even less in control than normal.  Marijuana made me feel paranoid.  I guess there was a really extreme period of time where I was suicidal and popping pills without even knowing what they were, it was a shortlived phase.  I had a lot of unsafe sex over the years.  I didn't exercise regularly.  I ate what I wanted.

I'm 55 years old now and I quit smoking just 7 short years ago.  There were times when I smoked, I would think, "If you get cancer, you deserve it" and I believed that.  Well I smoked for decades.  I mistreated my body, the one God gave me for decades.

The truth is I deserve whatever I get.  God saves us but sometimes we have to live through our own consequences.  It will be okay though because God will be beside me whether I deserve it or not.  He loves me whether I brought it on myself or not.

Father God, today I come to you with a grateful heart.  I know I should every day but we both know that's unlikely to happen on this side of heaven.  I'm doing good to recognize good moments in each day.  My heart is overflowing with gratitude today.  I'm so thankful you're so patient with me because I don't learn the heart lessons quickly, never have.  Thank you for the lessons, however painful, you gave Eddie and I this weekend.  Whew!  That was confusing and scary!  I'm sure for both of us.  Deep.  He's a good man.  Thank you for restoring us and creating such a beautiful marriage for us.  Thank you for allowing us to spend so much time with family this weekend.  Eddie and I have both felt disconnected from them but we needed time to ourselves too, so as always your timing is perfect. Thank you for giving me a husband who loves you as much or more than I, who enjoys listening to praise and worship music.  Thank you for providing us with resources for our financial and health needs.  I pray we will continue to seek your will in our everyday lives.  I pray we will continue to submit ourselves to your will.  Thank you for giving me a weird sense of humor that fits perfectly with my husband's.  Thank you for giving us friends who love us as much as we love them.  We love you and thank you for all of your blessings.  You supply all our needs.  You never leave us.  Amen.