Has America Been My Idol? Shame on Me!

 As we move into 2021 I've decided to write as myself, Carmen Marie Shelley. I'm slow so it may take me a while to update all the elements on my blog to reflect this change. 

Good luck figuring out who I'm related to and who I've BEEN related to since my birth certificate doesn't have the name I was born with on it and I've been married five times and divorced four times. (Sniggering as I write this.) I have a decidedly dark sense of humor.

Today, I'm writing about my disappointment in our sitting President. Donald Trump lost the 2020 election against Joe Biden and I cannot understand this because where I live nearly everyone is pro-Trump. However, the state's electoral votes went to Biden. It doesn't seem right. Unfortunately, most of the state's population resides in one area and that area is predominately pro-Biden. We've been overrun by Californians who couldn't afford to live there anymore, so they sold out and moved here and are bringing their political ideas and philosophies here and turning our state into the swamp they just moved away from. Hello! Does anyone see a problem with this? Well, those of us who were here and enjoying our lifestyle do. The Californian transplants are angry that we aren't welcoming them. It's not you personally we don't want here. We don't want California and your politics and socialism here. Leave that behind with the problems they caused that you're fleeing. We had a better life and you're ruining it!

I digress. 

President Trump, you lost the election. Sir, you've lost more than 60 court cases over the election results. It is too late to do so with much dignity. It is past time to concede. You have shown the world you don't know how to lose. With the entire world watching, you intentionally incited people to storm the Capitol Building. You lied again and said you would be there and you weren't.    

I didn't vote for Donald Trump in 2016. I didn't feel he had the polish needed to represent our great nation; although I did think we could benefit from a successful businessperson leading our country. I don't believe he's as successful as he would lead us to think. I think his father bailed him out of bankruptcy on multiple occasions. I didn't vote for Hillary Rodham Clinton either. I think she and former President Clinton belong in prison. I voted for Gary Johnson. Where was he in 2020?

We have a broken system at the highest level. Our choice for president of our great nation was between Joe Biden and Donald Trump. IN MY OPINION, both of them are racist, both of them are liars, both of them are lawbreakers, both of them have been accused of inappropriate and unwelcome conduct toward women, both of them are nepotists. Donald Trump is a misogynist. Joe Biden has obvious health problems from aging so they're just going to get worse, he is a plagiarist, he claims more than is true to garner goodwill from special interest groups (he was NOT arrested in South Africa), he used his position to get his son into the military, his son was removed from the military under Other Than Honorable Conditions (I'm a Veteran of both the U.S. Army National Guard and the U.S. Air Force and left with an Honorable Discharge both times. I take offense at them trying to talk their way around the fact that he did NOT receive an Honorable discharge), and his son Hunter (last time I checked Snopes) is under investigation for his interaction in foreign business. On a personal level, I can't stand either man. So I looked at where they stand on the issues.   

I voted for President Trump in 2020. I didn't feel the Libertarians had a viable candidate. As I made my decision for my 2020 ballot, I was impressed by the number of promises President Trump kept and the amount of good he did for our country despite being hounded by the media and the left. Let's face it, I don't think any president has been more hated than Donald Trump. Personally, wow! He has said things that are just astonishing! 

To the Republican and Democratic parties, I'd like to say: out of all the people in the United States of America. Really? That's the best you can come up with? Come talk to me. I personally know better candidates than either of the two men you put forward. There have to be better choices than what you've given us. Or maybe you just can't find anyone willing to go along with your hidden agendas. Puppets who will appease the people publicly while doing what you want behind closed doors. That's my guess. That's what I believe now, after having lived through this presidency, this election, these riots, this assault on democracy.

I'm so disappointed in the political system of this great country I can't fully express it in words. It is corrupt from the very top, as it appears we're about to have a President in office whose son is guilty of treason and he himself may be guilty of treason. At the very least, he is the father of a man who entered the military well past the maximum age most people are allowed to enter the military (nepotism, favors granted a father in politics?) only to be put out under Other Than Honorable Conditions for drug use, which I argue reflects poorly on his parenting (leadership) skills. I'm going to stop now because it isn't going to change a thing and I could be doing something more useful than this. And it is corrupt to the very bottom. I have personally offered to volunteer in local politics to collect signatures to remove a county supervisor from office who is not representing her constituency and can't even get a timely response. We have a Congressman in our district who doesn't live in our district; however, the GOP and President Trump have endorsed him. State law says he has to have lived in the county he represents for 1 year, he did not; however, the GOP endorsed him and told his opponent to go away. Why? He doesn't represent his constituency. He won't return my calls! Shame on you! Shame on the GOP! No wonder so many Americans are fed up. Those in power are CORRUPT! From the TOP to the BOTTOM. All they want is our money. I have gotten HUNDREDS of EMAILs asking for donations both before and AFTER the 2020 elections. SHAKING MY HEAD. Not sure where we're headed, but pretty certain this experiment is over. I am heartbroken; devastated.

My hope is in GOD and Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. 

I have to ask myself, have I been sinning by placing America on a throne in my heart and in my home? 

I'm too thrifty to burn my hats and shirts; they've been relegated to the work pile to be used for projects that may end up getting paint splashed on them or holes poked in them. They won't be worn as political advertisements ever again. There's no pride in them. I have pride in Americans. I love my fellow man. I have hope in my God. I have respect for the views of others. I will continue to be law-abiding as commanded by my LORD. I will continue to pray for my country, the world, and its leaders to serve. America no longer has a throne in my heart or home and never should have had. Shame on me.     

Forgiveness As a Choice—Not a Feeling

 

Forgiveness As a Choice—Not a Feeling

I’ve been struggling with an inability to forgive and I found a study with a completely new perspective. What if I chose to forgive now, instead of waiting until I felt like I was ready to forgive?

God sent Christ to die for my sins BEFORE I was sorry. God made a choice to forgive me. God canceled the debt, releasing me from anything I owed him. That’s what real forgiveness looks like.

True forgiveness is a total release from anything we are owed or they deserve as a punishment.

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Col 3:13 NLT

Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. It’s choosing to cancel a debt owed to us. Our feelings may cry out against the whole idea of forgiveness. Still, we can choose. This mirrors what God did when he chose to forgive us.

The divine sequence God has given us is: think, choose, then feel.

1)      We can set our minds on the truth of what needs to be done.

2)      We can choose to forgive and release someone from the debt owed to us.

3)      We can remember the choice we made from then on.

4)      We can live in agreement with the choice we made.

We don’t have to wait for our emotions to line up with our choice.

When we choose to forgive someone, it’s mostly for us, the person we’re forgiving may never know we’re forgiving them; they may not even be alive anymore!

Do we pretend our anger and pain don’t exist or matter? No! Get alone with God and talk to Him. Be honest, He can handle it! You might want to talk to a trusted friend or sponsor too. Then tell God you’re choosing to forgive the person and releasing them from the debt they owe you. Ask God for help when you need it.  

It’s a sin to let my emotions control me rather than holding onto the unchanging truths of God.

Abba Father, thank You for showing me how to forgive, I choose to forgive Richard Eugene Dowden for molesting me when I was a child. I choose to forgive him for making me feel like it was my fault. I choose to forgive him for making it so hard for me to trust You. I choose to forgive him for making it so hard to trust people, including myself. I choose to forgive him for making me feel unloved and unloving and unlovable. I choose to forgive him for awakening evil desires in my mind. I choose to forgive him for demeaning my mother, myself, and my siblings. Lord, I release him from all debts he owes me in this life and in the afterlife. Dad, when I start to fall back into old habits, I ask You to remind me of the choice I’m making today to forgive Richard Eugene Dowden and help me stand firm in my decision to let go once and for all. Thank You for the healing You’ve already given me. Amen.   

Selfish Envy

I woke up early today. I had a headache. My sinuses were blocked when I lay prone, so I didn't sleep well. My alarm was going to ring in 30 minutes anyway, so I decided to get up. I had 30 minutes to kill before my morning meeting with God, so I peed and made coffee, still had time.

I turned on some worship music. (I'm so grateful my husband enjoys it just as much as I do. Most days I turn it on and we listen to it all day or until we decide to watch a movie. It helps keep our focus on our Father.) I sat down and read my daily devotional.

When we were asked to stay home during the pandemic, I asked God to show me opportunities to share His love and He nudged me to use my Facebook for good rather than harm. I'm not educated in Bible Studies and didn't start digging into my Bible until 5 years ago when I surrendered to Almighty God. I pray every day about what to say and to keep the focus on God not me. I figure I can't go too far astray if I quote Holy Scripture and sometimes explain how it speaks to me. Some days it is a struggle to write. I want to keep it short, so people read it. I want to be honest without oversharing because I'm making them public. (I think most of my friends are Christians.) It's hard to think coherently some days. It's emotionally draining because I'm passionate about sharing God's crazy love. Jesus died for me... I started with the Romans road to salvation. Then I shared some about how being a Christian changes us. Then I noticed a lot of people I was chatting with were expressing a lot of confusion over negative emotions to include anger. I was experiencing a lot of anger too. My anger was stealing time and energy away from more positive and fulfilling activities. I've been posting about anger.

Now back up 5 years ago, when I surrendered my will to the LORD's for the first time in my life and put my asinine pride aside. I have a relationship with God now. He's as real to me as any person in my life. Granted, I can't see Him yet, but I will. Oh, I will. While I'm waiting for that day; I love spending time talking to Him and listening to Him and singing to Him. His timing is perfect. His plan is perfect. He surprises me again and again. I started a habit of writing verses that spoke to me down on colorful post-its and sticking them on my dresser mirror. Later, I transferred the stickies into photo albums categorized into themes for my personal use. I've been using them as I write my daily posts. Today, I chose the following verse; planning to post it without comment.

"For where envy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every kind of evil."  James 3:16

Then it was time to meet with God to talk for an hour. Whew! It was quite the conversation!

I realized I wanted a "normal" childhood like everyone else. I didn't want to take it from someone else; I just wanted it for me too. I was angry and hurt God didn't give me what I wanted. What was wrong with me? Why wasn't I worthy of God's love? What was I being punished for? It didn't make sense to me. I couldn't tell anyone about it. Every time I tried, it seemed to make it worse. When I became a mother, I wanted to create a "normal" childhood for my sons. I didn't want them to emerge from childhood damaged. I failed. In trying to force their step-father to be the man I wanted him to be, I lost sight of the mother I wanted to be for my children. I screamed at him regularly in front of them and one of my precious sons has been entangled in several abusive relationships. The last one ended in her kidnapping the children and running from women's shelter to women's shelter while he desperately fought to get his children legally returned to him. My other son has no respect for women. I taught him that. On one hand he seems to be impressed by my intelligence and abilities and on the other he seems to despise me. He seems to think the bullying tactics I used will get him a better result.

I'm praying for wisdom because I have no idea how to rectify the damage I did. I'd love to be able to talk freely with this man I birthed. I love him so much. His brother and I have no problem conversing with each other respectfully. I think the difference is that he remembers what I was like before I married his step-father and lost myself.

Which brings us back to the verse. I didn't ask God if it was a good idea to marry their step-father. I didn't care. He fit my plan. Of course, I was angry at God when "I had done everything right and it didn't work out". Wow! What a load of crap! I was in such deep denial!

I chose their step-father because I thought I was better than him. I didn't think he was too horrible though. I figured I could fix him. My girlfriends thought he was cute. If I could fix him, I could prove I was worthy, God would have to accept me. Pride is a sin! I was full of it!

A week or so ago, I was talking to my mom about the increase in grocery prices and venting my anger and this verse popped into my head (that's why I write them down!) and I said maybe I need to ask myself if I'm envious of them. I think that was God preparing me for this morning. I wept like a child. It felt horrible. If felt cleansing. I didn't realize I hadn't asked God to forgive me specifically for my selfish attitude and behavior that resulted in so much disorder, chaos, pain, and EVIL in that home. I tried so hard and got exactly the opposite of what I was striving to achieve. It felt liberating because my Father forgives freely without condemnation! Woohoo! I think I can forgive myself now, so I can move on. If I find myself taking the guilt back, I'll pray about it again. I did the best I could with the tools I had then. I have better ones now! God can RESTORE this, just LOOK at what the LORD has done in 5 short years!!!

Covid-19 my opinion: yeah. It's not warm & fuzzy, just honest.

For me, as soon as I had done all I could to understand the situation, I felt calm, which is why I'm sharing my thoughts. The choice to read, or not, is yours.

I did some research on legit sites like CDC, WHO, etc. Read test limitations on CDC site & now believe test is mostly inconclusive as there are too many ways for it to be wrong...false positive, false negative, human error, not enough sample, etc. I'm very disappointed in my government's response to this pandemic. I'm a patriotic veteran who served in the Army National Guard and the U.S. Air Force. I'm also interested in history. Our country has made many grave errors in the past, often in the financial interests of a few already well-funded businessmen. I had hoped this generation of politicians would be morally superior; I believe I was wrong. Having served in the military, I know there are contingency plans in place for this type of situation and I couldn't understand why it seemed they weren't being used.

Family told us they had been exposed to a local waitress who had tested positive at KRMC, the sample was sent to a University of Washington lab for confirmation of the positive results, that result came back inconclusive and stated a 3rd test would be done at either the CDC or a public state lab. The patient and our family was told to go home, self-quarantine, and not talk about it on social media. My husband, brother, and father are all high risk; so I had concerns. On 3/20, I emailed District 1 Supervisor and Governor Ducey to ask when the 3rd test results would be available to the community and to tell them it seemed disingenuous to be claiming 0 confirmed positive cases in Mohave County. The Supervisor called my house and told me only one test had been done and couldn't cite any sources for what he was saying, other than to tell me to read The Miner. I don't subscribe to The Miner and didn't have my resources up (but they weren't questioned) because I wasn't expecting the phone call. I believe he did have the District 3 Supervisor on the line although he didn't tell me that and didn't introduce her but she did ask me a question. I received an immediate reply from Governor Ducey indicating my email had been received and a response would be sent in a few days, that was more than a month ago and I haven't received anything else. I replied to an email I received from the Director of the Mohave County Department of Public Health asking when the third test results would be available on 3/20 and posed the same question on the public website; neither were answered. The third test came back from a WA public state lab and was also inconclusive which is considered a negative. I'm very happy for that patient and thank her for posting the result as it eased my mind. Afterward, I received an email response from the Arizona Department of Health Services COVID-19 Response Team indicating the Arizona public state lab turnaround time is 1 day. In the meantime, I did a lot of research, and this post is the end result.  

I think we'll all be exposed to covid-19, some will get sick, and around 3% of those who get sick will die.

I think President Trump is the leader of America and the pandemic response is his responsibility. The President should have been informing the American public rather than allowing the press to spread fear. I think as soon as the first covid-19 patient reached American soil and it was known how many days it would take to shut down the virus; the president should have ordered everyone home for 21 days.

I'm certain God is good and His plan is still unfolding until the day of Christ's return. I'm praying for my country, which I was blessed to be born in.

America, now is the time to humble yourself. Return to God.

"Therefore, repent of this wickedness of yours, and pray to the Lord that the intent of your heart may be forgiven you." Acts 8:22

"You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
John 8:32

"For the love of money is the root of all evil..." 1 Timothy 6:10

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Footnote:

I posted this a month ago on 3/28/2020 at 10:26 am almost word for word. It is slightly updated due to the passage of time. I'm only posting it here for the purpose of retaining it for historical purposes. This posting is under a pseudonym as has been previously stated.

Now I Have to Forgive Myself

I'm married to the most amazing man!

Yesterday, we were angry and yelling at each other. I indignantly rode off on the side-by-side (going 25 miles an hour), eyes averted, face set with anger and determination, heart hurting as he headed off to spend the day talking firearms with his buddies. He had just asked me if I felt trapped and I said yes. (thinking but not saying, you dumbass! I can't go anywhere because of covid-19!) I was on my way to pick up a new CPAP for him, so an essential activity.

I didn't want to call it quits, but if he wanted to that was fine by me!  Not really, but.

I avoid.

I'm really good at that.

And denial.

Really good.

This morning, I'm talking to my husband about my last husband and this time he sneered at me because he'd relapsed on meth earlier than I'd realized and somehow that seemed to make him feel superior to me. I went on to explain that the whole time we were married I paid for everything. My ex paid for nothing. I explained the end of that marriage and how in retrospect it seemed that everything my ex had said seemed to have been a lie, or at least enough things seemed to have been lies that I now question everything he ever said to me. I told my husband I probably should have known the relationship was built on lies much sooner but I'm very good at denial. Remember I'm the girl who didn't know she had sex the first time because she told her boyfriend she didn't want to go all the way and my best friend had to explain it to me. And I argued with her. And part of the truth hit me.  

I said "I don't know why I thought it would be different outside my home than it was inside my home."  And another part of the truth hit me.

I started sobbing and told my husband I needed a few minutes alone with my thoughts. I went and cried and prayed and cried and thought and cried and prayed and thought and prayed and cried.

Then I explained to my husband that I was in denial. I told him I did know that I had sex but I didn't want to have sex. My parents told me I needed to be a virgin. I wanted to be a virgin. I wasn't a virgin. My step-dad took my virginity. I don't think it was violent though. I remember rubbing his hands with Vaseline lotion, I can describe his genitals.

I was sexually precocious and my parents blamed me for it. I explained to my husband I believe I was complicit in the sexual abuse. It started when I was 2 years old so I didn't understand it was wrong but I think eventually I figured it out but because I thought I was to blame and because the verbal abuse was in full force, I internalized and denied. I don't think my step-dad ever asked and I don't think I ever told him I didn't want to participate.

I had to understand the mechanics of sex. We both remember a sex ed class in grade school music class where they separated the boys and girls and explained the birds and bees. I do know this for certain. My wonderful husband and I dated in high school and he was the first guy who asked and respected my "no". I'm sure that's part of why I fell in love with him.

Now I Have to Forgive Myself

But it's okay, my Father and Creator is carrying me through this part.

Today is FULL of Possibility!

I've been up since 5 a.m.  I woke feeling mentally refreshed for the first time in a week.  I have a small headache which feels like it's from muscular fatigue, this is less physical pain than I've started a day with in a week.  Interesting to note that there's no rain in today's forecast.  Hmm.

Anyway.  This week is the first my husband has been returning to his "normal" activities since his symptoms got so bad a year ago that he was asked to stop going in to his volunteer gig.  Yay for our marriage that even after a year of virtual constant companionship with each other, we're still (mostly) happily married.  (No one is ALWAYS happy.  Chuckle.)  We're adjusting: he physically; both of us emotionally.

I decided at the beginning of the week I needed to shift my attention a little from being the warm caregiver to being the organized person who gets stuff done in our house by the deadline when there is one.  It's gone fairly smoothly except that last week we unintentionally added a major commitment to our weekly calendar.  Let me explain.

One of my love languages is to prepare and share meals with people I love.  I realized yesterday I subconsciously learned this by participating in Sunday meals my mom prepared and shared with guests she invited over from church.  Those were times of smiles, hope, and calm in a child's world made hell by an evil stepfather.  I wanted those times to last forever.

I think my sister-in-law claimed Taco Tuesdays because she wanted to see us and we weren't up to going out much anymore, so the party started coming to our house on Tuesdays and we rotated hosting between us, her and our other sister-in-law (widowed) and her boyfriend (recently remarried).  Thursdays were soon claimed by a friend of my husband (his father was my husband's friend first, the son has turned out to be a better man).  I've grown to love this young man and his wife very much.  We've never gone anywhere or done anything but had dinner at our house but I love them to pieces.  I take it back, we've been out to sushi with them once.  They accept me for who I am, in this much humbled state.  I'm blessed.  We also rotate hosting with them.  It's all pretty casual.  If we cancel last minute it's no big deal.  If it's your turn to host, you can invite another couple.  You can serve anything you like, homemade or not.  With dessert or not.  Vegan or not.  It's up to you.

This is how Saturday happened.  Christmas 2018.  Someone knocks on our door.  It's our neighbor, kitty corner to us.  I'm too dizzy to go to the door.  Eddie answers and accepts her homemade goodies.  Summer 2019, I tentatively wave at her and thank her for the goodies.  She talks a mile a minute.  She tells me way too much about herself.  I instinctively like her.  I tell Eddie, he cautions me to go slow.  I tell him that our neighbors told her not to approach us because we might shoot her, we have guns.  She tells me some people in the neighborhood are casing our house hoping to break in and steal our guns.  She stops over another day when Eddie and I are outside together and I introduce them, she talks a mile a minute again, then asks me if we know anyone who's looking for a wife.  I laugh and tell her no, but I'll let her know if it comes up.  Thinking yeah right.  That's what women always want and men never do.  Now Mark had been on the periphery of people I'd met through my husband for a while but he seemed a bit racist and I don't do racism AT ALL, so I was keeping him at a distance.  My husband had allowed him to come by our home but first schooled him on our beliefs and let him know ANY kind of racist language would get him removed from our home.  Mark has been absolutely respectful and I appreciate it.  After my neighbor asked that question, the next time I saw him, it popped into my mind and I asked him, "Are you looking for a wife?"  He said "Yes"!  Long story short.  They decided to meet but then she seemed to get cold feet so we agreed to provide our kitchen table as their neutral, safe setting.  The following day, Saturday, they had their first date at our table and Mark hosted.  I don't know what the future holds for the two of them.  God does.  I'll be content to watch from the sidelines.  They do make a cute couple, if it's God's will.  Lol.

I'm preparing to replace my cell phone which has been broken more than a year and to visit my grandchildren this year.  Both have inspired me to put my electronic photos in the cloud and into albums.  I was looking at photos from a vacation when my youngest was 15 years old.  I hadn't surrendered my life to God yet.  I knew He existed, but I was still trying to please Him on my own.  I didn't understand without Him in control, I couldn't please Him.  Some of them really sadden me because they show my inner struggle so plainly.  I desperately wanted to love the man I was married to and I wanted him to love me.  He didn't.  I was throwing myself at him and he was just confused.  Physically, I was more comfortable being around my child, than my husband.  I was around other adults but I wasn't with them, they didn't know me; I didn't want them to really know me but I really wanted to be seen and known so I did my hair in braids and ran the beach like Bo Derek.  We were in Mexico and they allowed teens to drink.  I was angry with my husband for drinking so much he vomited down the hotel wall while asleep in bed next to me but I took my 15 year old son to a dance club and let him drink mixed drinks and dance with older women while I drank mixed drinks, smoked cigarettes, and watched them drink.  I thought I was being a good mom.  What was I thinking?

Because I thought I didn't need God's daily input into my activities, I made a lot of unnecessary mistakes.  Today I wish I could go back and redo those things, because they have potentially devastating consequences.  You see, a child looks at their parents and they think that's what God looks like.  I thought God was like my step-father.  And if not him, then he must be like my mother.  It took a long time for me to find the God of the Bible and the God that I have EXPERIENCED throughout my life.  He was there all along, I just couldn't see Him for all the lies Satan had me believing.

I cry when I read and consider this verse:

"It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble."  Luke 17:2

Well I know this was me because I know my behaviors and attitudes as a mother make it hard for my sons to have intimate, trusting relationships with God.  All sins are equal, therefore mine are equal to my stepfather's.  If my sins and their consequences grieved my Father, it's okay for them to grieve me too.

This I ask my Heavenly Father:

"Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you, LORD, are good."  Psalm 25:7

This is what I was missing:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths."  Proverbs 3:5-6

This is what I have since I surrendered:

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come." 2 Co 5:17

God wants me to LISTEN to my children and pray over them.

That's all I'm sure of for the moment

The Truth is I Deserve Whatever I Get

I heard myself venting the other morning about how I didn't deserve this (by this I was referring to my current health conditions which include vertigo, nausea, confusion, frequent migraines, and neuropathy).  I was saying I don't deserve this and I stopped mid-sentence.

I realized I was lying.  To myself.  And I'd been lying to myself often.  For nearly 2 years.  And to others.  I'd been angry at God because of my lies.  Ugh!

I'm more often wrong than right!

Thankfully, I'm learning to accept my condition as simply part of being human and imperfect.  I know God loves and accepts me as I am.  He's much more forgiving of me than I am of myself.  I try to treat me the same way I treat others...with grace and God's love.

I didn't treat my body well.  I started stealing cigarettes at 11 and was smoking 3 packs a day by the time I was 18 years old and stationed at Fort Gordon, Georgia in the Army.  I began drinking in high school and loved the way it numbed my emotional pain and made me feel invincible.  I drank heavily.  I blacked out when I drank but continued to do things that I didn't remember the following day and there are periods of time I still can't recall.  It's a little scary.  I'd like to do a genealogy test, but...  I didn't care much for drugs, I didn't care for feeling even less in control than normal.  Marijuana made me feel paranoid.  I guess there was a really extreme period of time where I was suicidal and popping pills without even knowing what they were, it was a shortlived phase.  I had a lot of unsafe sex over the years.  I didn't exercise regularly.  I ate what I wanted.

I'm 55 years old now and I quit smoking just 7 short years ago.  There were times when I smoked, I would think, "If you get cancer, you deserve it" and I believed that.  Well I smoked for decades.  I mistreated my body, the one God gave me for decades.

The truth is I deserve whatever I get.  God saves us but sometimes we have to live through our own consequences.  It will be okay though because God will be beside me whether I deserve it or not.  He loves me whether I brought it on myself or not.

Father God, today I come to you with a grateful heart.  I know I should every day but we both know that's unlikely to happen on this side of heaven.  I'm doing good to recognize good moments in each day.  My heart is overflowing with gratitude today.  I'm so thankful you're so patient with me because I don't learn the heart lessons quickly, never have.  Thank you for the lessons, however painful, you gave Eddie and I this weekend.  Whew!  That was confusing and scary!  I'm sure for both of us.  Deep.  He's a good man.  Thank you for restoring us and creating such a beautiful marriage for us.  Thank you for allowing us to spend so much time with family this weekend.  Eddie and I have both felt disconnected from them but we needed time to ourselves too, so as always your timing is perfect. Thank you for giving me a husband who loves you as much or more than I, who enjoys listening to praise and worship music.  Thank you for providing us with resources for our financial and health needs.  I pray we will continue to seek your will in our everyday lives.  I pray we will continue to submit ourselves to your will.  Thank you for giving me a weird sense of humor that fits perfectly with my husband's.  Thank you for giving us friends who love us as much as we love them.  We love you and thank you for all of your blessings.  You supply all our needs.  You never leave us.  Amen.