Now I Have to Forgive Myself

I'm married to the most amazing man!

Yesterday, we were angry and yelling at each other. I indignantly rode off on the side-by-side (going 25 miles an hour), eyes averted, face set with anger and determination, heart hurting as he headed off to spend the day talking firearms with his buddies. He had just asked me if I felt trapped and I said yes. (thinking but not saying, you dumbass! I can't go anywhere because of covid-19!) I was on my way to pick up a new CPAP for him, so an essential activity.

I didn't want to call it quits, but if he wanted to that was fine by me!  Not really, but.

I avoid.

I'm really good at that.

And denial.

Really good.

This morning, I'm talking to my husband about my last husband and this time he sneered at me because he'd relapsed on meth earlier than I'd realized and somehow that seemed to make him feel superior to me. I went on to explain that the whole time we were married I paid for everything. My ex paid for nothing. I explained the end of that marriage and how in retrospect it seemed that everything my ex had said seemed to have been a lie, or at least enough things seemed to have been lies that I now question everything he ever said to me. I told my husband I probably should have known the relationship was built on lies much sooner but I'm very good at denial. Remember I'm the girl who didn't know she had sex the first time because she told her boyfriend she didn't want to go all the way and my best friend had to explain it to me. And I argued with her. And part of the truth hit me.  

I said "I don't know why I thought it would be different outside my home than it was inside my home."  And another part of the truth hit me.

I started sobbing and told my husband I needed a few minutes alone with my thoughts. I went and cried and prayed and cried and thought and cried and prayed and thought and prayed and cried.

Then I explained to my husband that I was in denial. I told him I did know that I had sex but I didn't want to have sex. My parents told me I needed to be a virgin. I wanted to be a virgin. I wasn't a virgin. My step-dad took my virginity. I don't think it was violent though. I remember rubbing his hands with Vaseline lotion, I can describe his genitals.

I was sexually precocious and my parents blamed me for it. I explained to my husband I believe I was complicit in the sexual abuse. It started when I was 2 years old so I didn't understand it was wrong but I think eventually I figured it out but because I thought I was to blame and because the verbal abuse was in full force, I internalized and denied. I don't think my step-dad ever asked and I don't think I ever told him I didn't want to participate.

I had to understand the mechanics of sex. We both remember a sex ed class in grade school music class where they separated the boys and girls and explained the birds and bees. I do know this for certain. My wonderful husband and I dated in high school and he was the first guy who asked and respected my "no". I'm sure that's part of why I fell in love with him.

Now I Have to Forgive Myself

But it's okay, my Father and Creator is carrying me through this part.