Smiley Faces Don’t Make it Sweet

So I received a group text addressed to myself and my sisters from my niece, Lily.  My brother Adam is turning 50 this year.  Lily’s flying in to surprise Adam.  Then she’s driving him 2 hours away to drive a race car but she doesn’t want him to know until they get to the race track.  Then she wants to surprise him with a dinner attended by friends, coworkers, and family.  She’s asking for at least $20 toward the race car and the type of car and amount of laps depend on how much we all pitch in.  She ended the post with “PLEASE DONT TELL!”. 

This says a lot about how my family has communicated historically. 

I’ve worked very hard to rid myself of gossip.  (Please see my previous posts on the subject.)  To my knowledge, I’m the only person in my family who has admitted I was guilty of gossiping. 

Eleven minutes later I received another message from Lily which stated she had sent me a long, group text regarding her father’s birthday.  She wrote, “Can you be sure to not talk about it to anyone other than your sisters?”  She stated she wants to tell everyone “in a timely manner (smiley face) word gets out fast and it has to be a surprise”. 

I was deeply hurt by this communication.  What makes her think I’m still a gossip?  I’ve not divulged any of her secrets.  Nor have I divulged anyone else’s stories to her. 

I responded to her group text that my husband and I will contribute and attend the dinner if our health permits. 

I responded to her private message to me.  I asked her not to share anymore secrets with me if she believes she can’t trust me with them. 

Ironically, Lily is the only person in my family who has attempted to get me to share someone else’s story (GOSSIP) with her, without that person’s permission.  She tried to manipulate me emotionally at first because she’s related to the person.  Then, she attempted to justify her demand for information because it’s unhealthy to keep secrets.  That may be so, but gossip is still gossip and I’m not going to participate.  He has a right to decide whether or not he shares his story.  If I respect him, I’ll respect his right to decide what he wants to make public or keep private.  She has to make her own choice.

Now, she’s saying she sent the second text to everyone because she “just wanted to say it separately to everyone”.  Which either highlights the fact that gossip has been a family problem or is her attempt to justify her accusatory text (smiley faces don’t make it sweet).  

Dishing Some Dirt About Myself

I’m a gossip. A tittle-tattler. A meddler.

My definition of gossip is now talking about someone when that person is not present in the conversation. The intent of the person talking has no bearing on whether or not it’s gossip.

Something had to change.

I talked to God about it and confessed it as sin. I asked Him to help me stop since it was a lifetime habit and I didn’t even know how to begin to change. I talked to my sponsor and 12 step friends about it. After decades of gossip, I knew I couldn’t possibly locate and make amends to all the people I’d talked about behind their backs. I decided to focus on the people I was most likely to continue to gossip about or with.

This is how gossip, typically, played out in my life. I have a loving mother and three siblings she gave birth to in my life. My Mom is Peony. My brother is Adam. My sisters are Tammi and Rhonda. I have a plethora of extended family. Tammi and I would be at Peony’s and we would end up talking about problems Adam was facing and how he could resolve them. Adam wasn’t present. Rhonda and I would go out to lunch and end up talking about problems Mom was facing and how she could resolve them. Mom wasn’t present. Rarely did I go to the person for whom we were brainstorming solutions to share our ideas with them.

I spoke with Mom, Adam, Tammi, and Rhonda. I spoke with my sons, Fergus and Samson. I explained to each of them that I had realized I’m a gossip and I was determined to change. I confessed I had gossiped about each of them. I apologized for being disrespectful both in gossiping about them and in thinking I could solve their problems or even needed to solve them. I told them, going forward, I would not be speaking about them unless they’re present.

It was awkward at first. What do you talk about when you’ve always talked about other people you both know when you get together? Well, you eventually start talking about yourselves. You share more deeply than you ever have before if the person you’re talking to is someone you care about and are safe with. Some family members were offended. Some were hurt. Some were glad I’d finally figured this out about myself.

It is something I still struggle with a bit. Sometimes my unwillingness to gossip is viewed as disrespectful to the person who wants me to tell them details about another person’s life. Sometimes it’s viewed as denial or keeping secrets. Relationships are complicated. My interactions with a loved one may affect me so deeply that I need to discuss it with someone else, now I talk to a 12 step friend rather than another loved one. Sometimes it’s unavoidable: a discussion between two family members must be had when a third family member is incapacitated by health.

I try to follow a few guidelines:

1) Don’t talk about the person if they’re not there.

2) Don’t share someone else’s story.

3) Choose a couple of  non-relatives who are safe to run things past. 

4) Ask myself, “What’s Your Motive?”

5) Direct the person asking for detail about someone else to speak to the someone else directly.

My two sons, Fergus and Samson, are examples of the opposite extremes people feel about the details of their lives being shared by others. Perfectly natural to ask a sibling about their children. Right? I have 10 nieces and nephews. It’s much easier to ask 3 siblings for updates on their children, than to contact the 10 nieces and nephews. It also conveys to the sibling that I love them, and I love their children. Right? My son Fergus could care less if you talk about him. If he’s having successes, he wants his family to celebrate with him. If he’s having problems, he wants our prayers. My son Samson is the opposite, he doesn’t want to be talked about whether it’s good or bad. Period. He is highly offended when he discovers someone has talked about him. Neither is right or wrong, it’s just their preference. I do my best to respect their wishes.

Today, my relationships with the people I love are more honest and respectful.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject of gossip!

Tittle-Tattler

I was a gossip. A tittle-tattler.

My son Samson had caught me with my lips flapping, gossiping about he and his girlfriend Callie Stafford. I was mortified but confused.

Fast forward weeks or months. I’m at a large 12 step meeting. I’m listening to each person share about the topic of gossip. Initially I felt like it didn’t apply to me. I wasn’t talking about Samson out of meanness or to make myself look better. He’s my son and I want only good for him. I was concerned the choices he was making were going to negatively impact his future. I was voicing my concerns which were born out of my love for him. That’s not gossip! Right?

As I reflected, I realized that I often had conversations with people I have in common with other people I worried about. I thought I knew how to fix the talked about person’s problems, and I was telling our mutual person how the talked about person can fix all their problems. Only I rarely talked to the person we were talking about to share all this great advice. Wait a minute? Who put me in charge? What made me think I could fix anyone else’s life? Look at the unholy mess I had created out of my life; listening to my best advice!

I have no right to try to fix someone else’s life and if I’m really trying to “help” them, why aren’t I talking to them directly?

Duh!

I hadn’t been able to figure out how to fix my problems, so I had started focusing on fixing other people’s problems. It wasn’t intentional but it happened anyway. So, I had plenty to say about other people. I didn’t have much to say about myself.

I wasn’t okay with myself or silence. I felt like I had to fill the gaps in conversation, so I filled them with talk about other people.

I realized I needed to make a major change in my life, and it was going to be uncomfortable and awkward for a while.

I decided to ask my Higher Power for insight into what to do next.

Caught Flapping My Lips

I'm writing under a pseudonym to respect my loved ones who prefer I not reveal details of their lives.  Personally, I do not mind sharing the details of my life.  However, I'm a recovering gossip and try to be ever mindful of other people's boundaries.  I learned this lesson painfully starting with this event.

About seven years ago, my youngest son Samson and his girlfriend Callie (both adults) were living with me.  My older son's girlfriend Joanna showed up unexpectedly to visit.  I was home alone, so I invited her in, offered her a drink and sat down on the couch to chit-chat with her.  We started off talking about her frustrations with my son Fergus.  We talked about her hopes for the future.  I'm sure I gave her a lot of really great advice.  Or not.  I'm not certain why but I began sharing with her my hopes and fears for the future of my younger son and his girlfriend.  Everything I said was motivated by a mother's love.  At least that's what I believed at the time.

The next morning, Samson told me they needed to talk to me.  He told me they had been in their room the night before and heard the entire conversation between myself and Joanna.  He was hurt and disappointed.  My heart sank.  My face became hot from shame.  I apologized to my son and his girlfriend but the damage was already done.  I was confused about my behavior, my intentions, and the results.  I'm still trying to earn back his trust.

Everything I'll be writing about is true.  The names of all participants will be changed to protect the privacy of the other people involved in my life.