Has America Been My Idol? Shame on Me!

 As we move into 2021 I've decided to write as myself, Carmen Marie Shelley. I'm slow so it may take me a while to update all the elements on my blog to reflect this change. 

Good luck figuring out who I'm related to and who I've BEEN related to since my birth certificate doesn't have the name I was born with on it and I've been married five times and divorced four times. (Sniggering as I write this.) I have a decidedly dark sense of humor.

Today, I'm writing about my disappointment in our sitting President. Donald Trump lost the 2020 election against Joe Biden and I cannot understand this because where I live nearly everyone is pro-Trump. However, the state's electoral votes went to Biden. It doesn't seem right. Unfortunately, most of the state's population resides in one area and that area is predominately pro-Biden. We've been overrun by Californians who couldn't afford to live there anymore, so they sold out and moved here and are bringing their political ideas and philosophies here and turning our state into the swamp they just moved away from. Hello! Does anyone see a problem with this? Well, those of us who were here and enjoying our lifestyle do. The Californian transplants are angry that we aren't welcoming them. It's not you personally we don't want here. We don't want California and your politics and socialism here. Leave that behind with the problems they caused that you're fleeing. We had a better life and you're ruining it!

I digress. 

President Trump, you lost the election. Sir, you've lost more than 60 court cases over the election results. It is too late to do so with much dignity. It is past time to concede. You have shown the world you don't know how to lose. With the entire world watching, you intentionally incited people to storm the Capitol Building. You lied again and said you would be there and you weren't.    

I didn't vote for Donald Trump in 2016. I didn't feel he had the polish needed to represent our great nation; although I did think we could benefit from a successful businessperson leading our country. I don't believe he's as successful as he would lead us to think. I think his father bailed him out of bankruptcy on multiple occasions. I didn't vote for Hillary Rodham Clinton either. I think she and former President Clinton belong in prison. I voted for Gary Johnson. Where was he in 2020?

We have a broken system at the highest level. Our choice for president of our great nation was between Joe Biden and Donald Trump. IN MY OPINION, both of them are racist, both of them are liars, both of them are lawbreakers, both of them have been accused of inappropriate and unwelcome conduct toward women, both of them are nepotists. Donald Trump is a misogynist. Joe Biden has obvious health problems from aging so they're just going to get worse, he is a plagiarist, he claims more than is true to garner goodwill from special interest groups (he was NOT arrested in South Africa), he used his position to get his son into the military, his son was removed from the military under Other Than Honorable Conditions (I'm a Veteran of both the U.S. Army National Guard and the U.S. Air Force and left with an Honorable Discharge both times. I take offense at them trying to talk their way around the fact that he did NOT receive an Honorable discharge), and his son Hunter (last time I checked Snopes) is under investigation for his interaction in foreign business. On a personal level, I can't stand either man. So I looked at where they stand on the issues.   

I voted for President Trump in 2020. I didn't feel the Libertarians had a viable candidate. As I made my decision for my 2020 ballot, I was impressed by the number of promises President Trump kept and the amount of good he did for our country despite being hounded by the media and the left. Let's face it, I don't think any president has been more hated than Donald Trump. Personally, wow! He has said things that are just astonishing! 

To the Republican and Democratic parties, I'd like to say: out of all the people in the United States of America. Really? That's the best you can come up with? Come talk to me. I personally know better candidates than either of the two men you put forward. There have to be better choices than what you've given us. Or maybe you just can't find anyone willing to go along with your hidden agendas. Puppets who will appease the people publicly while doing what you want behind closed doors. That's my guess. That's what I believe now, after having lived through this presidency, this election, these riots, this assault on democracy.

I'm so disappointed in the political system of this great country I can't fully express it in words. It is corrupt from the very top, as it appears we're about to have a President in office whose son is guilty of treason and he himself may be guilty of treason. At the very least, he is the father of a man who entered the military well past the maximum age most people are allowed to enter the military (nepotism, favors granted a father in politics?) only to be put out under Other Than Honorable Conditions for drug use, which I argue reflects poorly on his parenting (leadership) skills. I'm going to stop now because it isn't going to change a thing and I could be doing something more useful than this. And it is corrupt to the very bottom. I have personally offered to volunteer in local politics to collect signatures to remove a county supervisor from office who is not representing her constituency and can't even get a timely response. We have a Congressman in our district who doesn't live in our district; however, the GOP and President Trump have endorsed him. State law says he has to have lived in the county he represents for 1 year, he did not; however, the GOP endorsed him and told his opponent to go away. Why? He doesn't represent his constituency. He won't return my calls! Shame on you! Shame on the GOP! No wonder so many Americans are fed up. Those in power are CORRUPT! From the TOP to the BOTTOM. All they want is our money. I have gotten HUNDREDS of EMAILs asking for donations both before and AFTER the 2020 elections. SHAKING MY HEAD. Not sure where we're headed, but pretty certain this experiment is over. I am heartbroken; devastated.

My hope is in GOD and Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. 

I have to ask myself, have I been sinning by placing America on a throne in my heart and in my home? 

I'm too thrifty to burn my hats and shirts; they've been relegated to the work pile to be used for projects that may end up getting paint splashed on them or holes poked in them. They won't be worn as political advertisements ever again. There's no pride in them. I have pride in Americans. I love my fellow man. I have hope in my God. I have respect for the views of others. I will continue to be law-abiding as commanded by my LORD. I will continue to pray for my country, the world, and its leaders to serve. America no longer has a throne in my heart or home and never should have had. Shame on me.     

Forgiveness As a Choice—Not a Feeling

 

Forgiveness As a Choice—Not a Feeling

I’ve been struggling with an inability to forgive and I found a study with a completely new perspective. What if I chose to forgive now, instead of waiting until I felt like I was ready to forgive?

God sent Christ to die for my sins BEFORE I was sorry. God made a choice to forgive me. God canceled the debt, releasing me from anything I owed him. That’s what real forgiveness looks like.

True forgiveness is a total release from anything we are owed or they deserve as a punishment.

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Col 3:13 NLT

Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. It’s choosing to cancel a debt owed to us. Our feelings may cry out against the whole idea of forgiveness. Still, we can choose. This mirrors what God did when he chose to forgive us.

The divine sequence God has given us is: think, choose, then feel.

1)      We can set our minds on the truth of what needs to be done.

2)      We can choose to forgive and release someone from the debt owed to us.

3)      We can remember the choice we made from then on.

4)      We can live in agreement with the choice we made.

We don’t have to wait for our emotions to line up with our choice.

When we choose to forgive someone, it’s mostly for us, the person we’re forgiving may never know we’re forgiving them; they may not even be alive anymore!

Do we pretend our anger and pain don’t exist or matter? No! Get alone with God and talk to Him. Be honest, He can handle it! You might want to talk to a trusted friend or sponsor too. Then tell God you’re choosing to forgive the person and releasing them from the debt they owe you. Ask God for help when you need it.  

It’s a sin to let my emotions control me rather than holding onto the unchanging truths of God.

Abba Father, thank You for showing me how to forgive, I choose to forgive Richard Eugene Dowden for molesting me when I was a child. I choose to forgive him for making me feel like it was my fault. I choose to forgive him for making it so hard for me to trust You. I choose to forgive him for making it so hard to trust people, including myself. I choose to forgive him for making me feel unloved and unloving and unlovable. I choose to forgive him for awakening evil desires in my mind. I choose to forgive him for demeaning my mother, myself, and my siblings. Lord, I release him from all debts he owes me in this life and in the afterlife. Dad, when I start to fall back into old habits, I ask You to remind me of the choice I’m making today to forgive Richard Eugene Dowden and help me stand firm in my decision to let go once and for all. Thank You for the healing You’ve already given me. Amen.   

Selfish Envy

I woke up early today. I had a headache. My sinuses were blocked when I lay prone, so I didn't sleep well. My alarm was going to ring in 30 minutes anyway, so I decided to get up. I had 30 minutes to kill before my morning meeting with God, so I peed and made coffee, still had time.

I turned on some worship music. (I'm so grateful my husband enjoys it just as much as I do. Most days I turn it on and we listen to it all day or until we decide to watch a movie. It helps keep our focus on our Father.) I sat down and read my daily devotional.

When we were asked to stay home during the pandemic, I asked God to show me opportunities to share His love and He nudged me to use my Facebook for good rather than harm. I'm not educated in Bible Studies and didn't start digging into my Bible until 5 years ago when I surrendered to Almighty God. I pray every day about what to say and to keep the focus on God not me. I figure I can't go too far astray if I quote Holy Scripture and sometimes explain how it speaks to me. Some days it is a struggle to write. I want to keep it short, so people read it. I want to be honest without oversharing because I'm making them public. (I think most of my friends are Christians.) It's hard to think coherently some days. It's emotionally draining because I'm passionate about sharing God's crazy love. Jesus died for me... I started with the Romans road to salvation. Then I shared some about how being a Christian changes us. Then I noticed a lot of people I was chatting with were expressing a lot of confusion over negative emotions to include anger. I was experiencing a lot of anger too. My anger was stealing time and energy away from more positive and fulfilling activities. I've been posting about anger.

Now back up 5 years ago, when I surrendered my will to the LORD's for the first time in my life and put my asinine pride aside. I have a relationship with God now. He's as real to me as any person in my life. Granted, I can't see Him yet, but I will. Oh, I will. While I'm waiting for that day; I love spending time talking to Him and listening to Him and singing to Him. His timing is perfect. His plan is perfect. He surprises me again and again. I started a habit of writing verses that spoke to me down on colorful post-its and sticking them on my dresser mirror. Later, I transferred the stickies into photo albums categorized into themes for my personal use. I've been using them as I write my daily posts. Today, I chose the following verse; planning to post it without comment.

"For where envy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every kind of evil."  James 3:16

Then it was time to meet with God to talk for an hour. Whew! It was quite the conversation!

I realized I wanted a "normal" childhood like everyone else. I didn't want to take it from someone else; I just wanted it for me too. I was angry and hurt God didn't give me what I wanted. What was wrong with me? Why wasn't I worthy of God's love? What was I being punished for? It didn't make sense to me. I couldn't tell anyone about it. Every time I tried, it seemed to make it worse. When I became a mother, I wanted to create a "normal" childhood for my sons. I didn't want them to emerge from childhood damaged. I failed. In trying to force their step-father to be the man I wanted him to be, I lost sight of the mother I wanted to be for my children. I screamed at him regularly in front of them and one of my precious sons has been entangled in several abusive relationships. The last one ended in her kidnapping the children and running from women's shelter to women's shelter while he desperately fought to get his children legally returned to him. My other son has no respect for women. I taught him that. On one hand he seems to be impressed by my intelligence and abilities and on the other he seems to despise me. He seems to think the bullying tactics I used will get him a better result.

I'm praying for wisdom because I have no idea how to rectify the damage I did. I'd love to be able to talk freely with this man I birthed. I love him so much. His brother and I have no problem conversing with each other respectfully. I think the difference is that he remembers what I was like before I married his step-father and lost myself.

Which brings us back to the verse. I didn't ask God if it was a good idea to marry their step-father. I didn't care. He fit my plan. Of course, I was angry at God when "I had done everything right and it didn't work out". Wow! What a load of crap! I was in such deep denial!

I chose their step-father because I thought I was better than him. I didn't think he was too horrible though. I figured I could fix him. My girlfriends thought he was cute. If I could fix him, I could prove I was worthy, God would have to accept me. Pride is a sin! I was full of it!

A week or so ago, I was talking to my mom about the increase in grocery prices and venting my anger and this verse popped into my head (that's why I write them down!) and I said maybe I need to ask myself if I'm envious of them. I think that was God preparing me for this morning. I wept like a child. It felt horrible. If felt cleansing. I didn't realize I hadn't asked God to forgive me specifically for my selfish attitude and behavior that resulted in so much disorder, chaos, pain, and EVIL in that home. I tried so hard and got exactly the opposite of what I was striving to achieve. It felt liberating because my Father forgives freely without condemnation! Woohoo! I think I can forgive myself now, so I can move on. If I find myself taking the guilt back, I'll pray about it again. I did the best I could with the tools I had then. I have better ones now! God can RESTORE this, just LOOK at what the LORD has done in 5 short years!!!

Covid-19 my opinion: yeah. It's not warm & fuzzy, just honest.

For me, as soon as I had done all I could to understand the situation, I felt calm, which is why I'm sharing my thoughts. The choice to read, or not, is yours.

I did some research on legit sites like CDC, WHO, etc. Read test limitations on CDC site & now believe test is mostly inconclusive as there are too many ways for it to be wrong...false positive, false negative, human error, not enough sample, etc. I'm very disappointed in my government's response to this pandemic. I'm a patriotic veteran who served in the Army National Guard and the U.S. Air Force. I'm also interested in history. Our country has made many grave errors in the past, often in the financial interests of a few already well-funded businessmen. I had hoped this generation of politicians would be morally superior; I believe I was wrong. Having served in the military, I know there are contingency plans in place for this type of situation and I couldn't understand why it seemed they weren't being used.

Family told us they had been exposed to a local waitress who had tested positive at KRMC, the sample was sent to a University of Washington lab for confirmation of the positive results, that result came back inconclusive and stated a 3rd test would be done at either the CDC or a public state lab. The patient and our family was told to go home, self-quarantine, and not talk about it on social media. My husband, brother, and father are all high risk; so I had concerns. On 3/20, I emailed District 1 Supervisor and Governor Ducey to ask when the 3rd test results would be available to the community and to tell them it seemed disingenuous to be claiming 0 confirmed positive cases in Mohave County. The Supervisor called my house and told me only one test had been done and couldn't cite any sources for what he was saying, other than to tell me to read The Miner. I don't subscribe to The Miner and didn't have my resources up (but they weren't questioned) because I wasn't expecting the phone call. I believe he did have the District 3 Supervisor on the line although he didn't tell me that and didn't introduce her but she did ask me a question. I received an immediate reply from Governor Ducey indicating my email had been received and a response would be sent in a few days, that was more than a month ago and I haven't received anything else. I replied to an email I received from the Director of the Mohave County Department of Public Health asking when the third test results would be available on 3/20 and posed the same question on the public website; neither were answered. The third test came back from a WA public state lab and was also inconclusive which is considered a negative. I'm very happy for that patient and thank her for posting the result as it eased my mind. Afterward, I received an email response from the Arizona Department of Health Services COVID-19 Response Team indicating the Arizona public state lab turnaround time is 1 day. In the meantime, I did a lot of research, and this post is the end result.  

I think we'll all be exposed to covid-19, some will get sick, and around 3% of those who get sick will die.

I think President Trump is the leader of America and the pandemic response is his responsibility. The President should have been informing the American public rather than allowing the press to spread fear. I think as soon as the first covid-19 patient reached American soil and it was known how many days it would take to shut down the virus; the president should have ordered everyone home for 21 days.

I'm certain God is good and His plan is still unfolding until the day of Christ's return. I'm praying for my country, which I was blessed to be born in.

America, now is the time to humble yourself. Return to God.

"Therefore, repent of this wickedness of yours, and pray to the Lord that the intent of your heart may be forgiven you." Acts 8:22

"You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
John 8:32

"For the love of money is the root of all evil..." 1 Timothy 6:10

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Footnote:

I posted this a month ago on 3/28/2020 at 10:26 am almost word for word. It is slightly updated due to the passage of time. I'm only posting it here for the purpose of retaining it for historical purposes. This posting is under a pseudonym as has been previously stated.

Now I Have to Forgive Myself

I'm married to the most amazing man!

Yesterday, we were angry and yelling at each other. I indignantly rode off on the side-by-side (going 25 miles an hour), eyes averted, face set with anger and determination, heart hurting as he headed off to spend the day talking firearms with his buddies. He had just asked me if I felt trapped and I said yes. (thinking but not saying, you dumbass! I can't go anywhere because of covid-19!) I was on my way to pick up a new CPAP for him, so an essential activity.

I didn't want to call it quits, but if he wanted to that was fine by me!  Not really, but.

I avoid.

I'm really good at that.

And denial.

Really good.

This morning, I'm talking to my husband about my last husband and this time he sneered at me because he'd relapsed on meth earlier than I'd realized and somehow that seemed to make him feel superior to me. I went on to explain that the whole time we were married I paid for everything. My ex paid for nothing. I explained the end of that marriage and how in retrospect it seemed that everything my ex had said seemed to have been a lie, or at least enough things seemed to have been lies that I now question everything he ever said to me. I told my husband I probably should have known the relationship was built on lies much sooner but I'm very good at denial. Remember I'm the girl who didn't know she had sex the first time because she told her boyfriend she didn't want to go all the way and my best friend had to explain it to me. And I argued with her. And part of the truth hit me.  

I said "I don't know why I thought it would be different outside my home than it was inside my home."  And another part of the truth hit me.

I started sobbing and told my husband I needed a few minutes alone with my thoughts. I went and cried and prayed and cried and thought and cried and prayed and thought and prayed and cried.

Then I explained to my husband that I was in denial. I told him I did know that I had sex but I didn't want to have sex. My parents told me I needed to be a virgin. I wanted to be a virgin. I wasn't a virgin. My step-dad took my virginity. I don't think it was violent though. I remember rubbing his hands with Vaseline lotion, I can describe his genitals.

I was sexually precocious and my parents blamed me for it. I explained to my husband I believe I was complicit in the sexual abuse. It started when I was 2 years old so I didn't understand it was wrong but I think eventually I figured it out but because I thought I was to blame and because the verbal abuse was in full force, I internalized and denied. I don't think my step-dad ever asked and I don't think I ever told him I didn't want to participate.

I had to understand the mechanics of sex. We both remember a sex ed class in grade school music class where they separated the boys and girls and explained the birds and bees. I do know this for certain. My wonderful husband and I dated in high school and he was the first guy who asked and respected my "no". I'm sure that's part of why I fell in love with him.

Now I Have to Forgive Myself

But it's okay, my Father and Creator is carrying me through this part.

Today is FULL of Possibility!

I've been up since 5 a.m.  I woke feeling mentally refreshed for the first time in a week.  I have a small headache which feels like it's from muscular fatigue, this is less physical pain than I've started a day with in a week.  Interesting to note that there's no rain in today's forecast.  Hmm.

Anyway.  This week is the first my husband has been returning to his "normal" activities since his symptoms got so bad a year ago that he was asked to stop going in to his volunteer gig.  Yay for our marriage that even after a year of virtual constant companionship with each other, we're still (mostly) happily married.  (No one is ALWAYS happy.  Chuckle.)  We're adjusting: he physically; both of us emotionally.

I decided at the beginning of the week I needed to shift my attention a little from being the warm caregiver to being the organized person who gets stuff done in our house by the deadline when there is one.  It's gone fairly smoothly except that last week we unintentionally added a major commitment to our weekly calendar.  Let me explain.

One of my love languages is to prepare and share meals with people I love.  I realized yesterday I subconsciously learned this by participating in Sunday meals my mom prepared and shared with guests she invited over from church.  Those were times of smiles, hope, and calm in a child's world made hell by an evil stepfather.  I wanted those times to last forever.

I think my sister-in-law claimed Taco Tuesdays because she wanted to see us and we weren't up to going out much anymore, so the party started coming to our house on Tuesdays and we rotated hosting between us, her and our other sister-in-law (widowed) and her boyfriend (recently remarried).  Thursdays were soon claimed by a friend of my husband (his father was my husband's friend first, the son has turned out to be a better man).  I've grown to love this young man and his wife very much.  We've never gone anywhere or done anything but had dinner at our house but I love them to pieces.  I take it back, we've been out to sushi with them once.  They accept me for who I am, in this much humbled state.  I'm blessed.  We also rotate hosting with them.  It's all pretty casual.  If we cancel last minute it's no big deal.  If it's your turn to host, you can invite another couple.  You can serve anything you like, homemade or not.  With dessert or not.  Vegan or not.  It's up to you.

This is how Saturday happened.  Christmas 2018.  Someone knocks on our door.  It's our neighbor, kitty corner to us.  I'm too dizzy to go to the door.  Eddie answers and accepts her homemade goodies.  Summer 2019, I tentatively wave at her and thank her for the goodies.  She talks a mile a minute.  She tells me way too much about herself.  I instinctively like her.  I tell Eddie, he cautions me to go slow.  I tell him that our neighbors told her not to approach us because we might shoot her, we have guns.  She tells me some people in the neighborhood are casing our house hoping to break in and steal our guns.  She stops over another day when Eddie and I are outside together and I introduce them, she talks a mile a minute again, then asks me if we know anyone who's looking for a wife.  I laugh and tell her no, but I'll let her know if it comes up.  Thinking yeah right.  That's what women always want and men never do.  Now Mark had been on the periphery of people I'd met through my husband for a while but he seemed a bit racist and I don't do racism AT ALL, so I was keeping him at a distance.  My husband had allowed him to come by our home but first schooled him on our beliefs and let him know ANY kind of racist language would get him removed from our home.  Mark has been absolutely respectful and I appreciate it.  After my neighbor asked that question, the next time I saw him, it popped into my mind and I asked him, "Are you looking for a wife?"  He said "Yes"!  Long story short.  They decided to meet but then she seemed to get cold feet so we agreed to provide our kitchen table as their neutral, safe setting.  The following day, Saturday, they had their first date at our table and Mark hosted.  I don't know what the future holds for the two of them.  God does.  I'll be content to watch from the sidelines.  They do make a cute couple, if it's God's will.  Lol.

I'm preparing to replace my cell phone which has been broken more than a year and to visit my grandchildren this year.  Both have inspired me to put my electronic photos in the cloud and into albums.  I was looking at photos from a vacation when my youngest was 15 years old.  I hadn't surrendered my life to God yet.  I knew He existed, but I was still trying to please Him on my own.  I didn't understand without Him in control, I couldn't please Him.  Some of them really sadden me because they show my inner struggle so plainly.  I desperately wanted to love the man I was married to and I wanted him to love me.  He didn't.  I was throwing myself at him and he was just confused.  Physically, I was more comfortable being around my child, than my husband.  I was around other adults but I wasn't with them, they didn't know me; I didn't want them to really know me but I really wanted to be seen and known so I did my hair in braids and ran the beach like Bo Derek.  We were in Mexico and they allowed teens to drink.  I was angry with my husband for drinking so much he vomited down the hotel wall while asleep in bed next to me but I took my 15 year old son to a dance club and let him drink mixed drinks and dance with older women while I drank mixed drinks, smoked cigarettes, and watched them drink.  I thought I was being a good mom.  What was I thinking?

Because I thought I didn't need God's daily input into my activities, I made a lot of unnecessary mistakes.  Today I wish I could go back and redo those things, because they have potentially devastating consequences.  You see, a child looks at their parents and they think that's what God looks like.  I thought God was like my step-father.  And if not him, then he must be like my mother.  It took a long time for me to find the God of the Bible and the God that I have EXPERIENCED throughout my life.  He was there all along, I just couldn't see Him for all the lies Satan had me believing.

I cry when I read and consider this verse:

"It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble."  Luke 17:2

Well I know this was me because I know my behaviors and attitudes as a mother make it hard for my sons to have intimate, trusting relationships with God.  All sins are equal, therefore mine are equal to my stepfather's.  If my sins and their consequences grieved my Father, it's okay for them to grieve me too.

This I ask my Heavenly Father:

"Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you, LORD, are good."  Psalm 25:7

This is what I was missing:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths."  Proverbs 3:5-6

This is what I have since I surrendered:

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come." 2 Co 5:17

God wants me to LISTEN to my children and pray over them.

That's all I'm sure of for the moment

The Truth is I Deserve Whatever I Get

I heard myself venting the other morning about how I didn't deserve this (by this I was referring to my current health conditions which include vertigo, nausea, confusion, frequent migraines, and neuropathy).  I was saying I don't deserve this and I stopped mid-sentence.

I realized I was lying.  To myself.  And I'd been lying to myself often.  For nearly 2 years.  And to others.  I'd been angry at God because of my lies.  Ugh!

I'm more often wrong than right!

Thankfully, I'm learning to accept my condition as simply part of being human and imperfect.  I know God loves and accepts me as I am.  He's much more forgiving of me than I am of myself.  I try to treat me the same way I treat others...with grace and God's love.

I didn't treat my body well.  I started stealing cigarettes at 11 and was smoking 3 packs a day by the time I was 18 years old and stationed at Fort Gordon, Georgia in the Army.  I began drinking in high school and loved the way it numbed my emotional pain and made me feel invincible.  I drank heavily.  I blacked out when I drank but continued to do things that I didn't remember the following day and there are periods of time I still can't recall.  It's a little scary.  I'd like to do a genealogy test, but...  I didn't care much for drugs, I didn't care for feeling even less in control than normal.  Marijuana made me feel paranoid.  I guess there was a really extreme period of time where I was suicidal and popping pills without even knowing what they were, it was a shortlived phase.  I had a lot of unsafe sex over the years.  I didn't exercise regularly.  I ate what I wanted.

I'm 55 years old now and I quit smoking just 7 short years ago.  There were times when I smoked, I would think, "If you get cancer, you deserve it" and I believed that.  Well I smoked for decades.  I mistreated my body, the one God gave me for decades.

The truth is I deserve whatever I get.  God saves us but sometimes we have to live through our own consequences.  It will be okay though because God will be beside me whether I deserve it or not.  He loves me whether I brought it on myself or not.

Father God, today I come to you with a grateful heart.  I know I should every day but we both know that's unlikely to happen on this side of heaven.  I'm doing good to recognize good moments in each day.  My heart is overflowing with gratitude today.  I'm so thankful you're so patient with me because I don't learn the heart lessons quickly, never have.  Thank you for the lessons, however painful, you gave Eddie and I this weekend.  Whew!  That was confusing and scary!  I'm sure for both of us.  Deep.  He's a good man.  Thank you for restoring us and creating such a beautiful marriage for us.  Thank you for allowing us to spend so much time with family this weekend.  Eddie and I have both felt disconnected from them but we needed time to ourselves too, so as always your timing is perfect. Thank you for giving me a husband who loves you as much or more than I, who enjoys listening to praise and worship music.  Thank you for providing us with resources for our financial and health needs.  I pray we will continue to seek your will in our everyday lives.  I pray we will continue to submit ourselves to your will.  Thank you for giving me a weird sense of humor that fits perfectly with my husband's.  Thank you for giving us friends who love us as much as we love them.  We love you and thank you for all of your blessings.  You supply all our needs.  You never leave us.  Amen.

Just another Monday headache

I'm in a funk today.  I didn't start off in a funk.

I was awake at midnight because I had a bad headache and slept all afternoon.  I didn't want to go to bed like normal because then I'd have too much sleep, so I stayed up a bit late to play with my Amazon Photo albums.

I was planning to go to bed shortly, when I heard what sounded like a burst of machine-gun fire at 1 am and that had me freaked completely out.  Do I call the sheriff or not?  The last time I called I felt like a nuisance to them.  So now I don't feel comfortable calling, so I kind of run the potential conversation through my head before I dial.

Dispatcher:  911, how can I help you?

Me:  I"m pretty certain I just heard automatic weapons fire near the intersection of Stockton Hill Road and Northern.

Dispatcher:  Can you give me a description of the shooter?

Me:  No, I didn't see anything.

Dispatcher:  What did the vehicle look like?

Me:  I didn't see a vehicle.

Dispatcher:  How do you know it was gunfire?

Me:  I'm familiar with the sound.

Dispatcher:  Okay.....how?  (doubtfulness dripping in his or her voice)

I'll pass on that, thank you.

I crept between the sheets at 3 am, told my Sugar Bear I love him and immediately fell asleep.

I woke at 8.  I made coffee and peed.  I didn't feel particularly good, but I was looking forward to making a list and checking things off it.  Yesterday was basically lost to me.  I spent the morning looking for javalina while being jostled around in the truck; and the afternoon in a drug-induced slumber.

Somehow, my list has grown into five lists!

Here are their titles:
   1) After Sat
   2) Put off
   3) 2021
   4) (Untitled) but full page
   5) (Untitled) but newly started list

My lists which are supposed to help me turn my big jobs into doable bits of work are becoming somewhat overwhelming.

I made a 6th list.  Which became today's working list.  This is what it looked like, when I started my day.

9-10     Photo suspicious truck/start blog
10-11   Photo organization
11-12   Call Uptown Drug
12-1     Call about old med bills which haven't been sent to right insurers
1-2       Lunch
2-3       Get ready
3-4       North Country appointment
4-5       Request specific VA records
5-6       Make copies of records to give to VA at March appointment
6-7       Change passwords
7-8       Recipe organization
8-9       Finish blog

I took a photo of the suspicious truck parked across the street at the vacant garage which keeps getting broken into when my husband didn't get up like he said.  I didn't get a very good photo from the dining room table but my cell phone camera doesn't work unless the phone is plugged in and it was more than an hour from the time I told him about the truck and when I took the photo.  The truck was gone when he got up.  I tried to start this blog then but I logged out of all my gmail accounts 2 days ago and couldn't get logged back in this morning to access my Blogger account.  So that had to wait but did get done.

I did spend a lot of time working on photo organization this morning because it's easier to multi-task when I have a framework for the day upon which to hang the details.  So while I was working on uploading photo disks, I could also work on figuring out how to use the Family Vault, how to invite and uninvite people to my albums, and organizing the photos I have in the unlimited storage of Amazon Drive.  I have around 1500 photos available in my slideshows!

I called Uptown Drug and let them know they can come pick up the Hoyer lift.  I also found out they're a Medicare-approved provider and they're going to try to get the paperwork from Dr. Braze's office Medicare previously approved so we can get repaid the portion Medicare should be paying which is around half.  We don't need the lift anymore since my husband was released by his surgeon last Thursday and is 95% healed!  He is transferring himself in and out of bed now.  Woohoo!  This lady is tired.

I called the Lab provider and explained to them that they need to bill Medicare.  They will.  Apologized to them as we had told North Country that Eddie's insurance had changed but North Country didn't change their records, nor did they bother to tell any of the new providers they sent Eddie to see since the changes.  Tried to get online so I could check on whether the urologist at Flagstaff Surgical Associates had billed Care1st as I'd asked them and they'd agreed to back in June 2019.  I tried calling Care1st last week, but was hung up on and I obtained a different number to try from Medicare because they're always so helpful.  I couldn't get online.  Nothing in the house was working that needed the internet.  Did some things that didn't require internet access.

I started the letter to request some specific VA records but I need the name and the dates and I didn't feel like getting up to get the file which has it, so I put it off and by the end of the day was too tired to finish it.

Consolidated all my passwords to the same location.  I know we're not supposed to write them down but I literally have more than 100 and we're also not supposed to use the same one for multiple sites and they're not supposed to be too easy.  And we're also supposed to change them annually.  I'm doing the best I can. I'm almost done with this and I'm going to go take a shower and be ready to go to the doctor when our ride shows up an hour early!  I feel a little bit of panic and frustration but then let it go.  These are my family, people who we love as if related by blood.  They don't expect as much from me as I expect from myself.  I finish up since I'm decent even if still in my sleeping attire.

Then I go put on fresh clothes.  I showered on Saturday morning and haven't done anything strenuous.  My husband just had his first shower yesterday one day shy of 7 weeks because he wasn't able to transfer onto his shower seat after his surgery.  We tried to tell the medical staff this but they weren't listening.

While we're all sitting around visiting and waiting until it's time to go to the doctor, I try calling Care1st again.  I speak with an Elizabeth.  After she asks me for information with a couple of incomplete sentences so I'm not certain what she was asking, she placed me on hold.  Then she hung up on me!  I called the urologist's office again and left a message asking if they billed Care1st as I'd requested.  Eddie started to thank me for making the call for him.

THIS IS A BONE OF CONTENTION!  I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS FOR HIM.  I HAVE CLEARLY STATED THAT I DO NOT WANT TO, I DID NOT AGREE TO, I WAS NOT ASKED TO, I AM NOT AGREEING TO, I AM NOT WILLINGLY OR HAPPILY DOING THIS.  I DON'T WANT HIS THANKS.  I want him to take responsibility and do it hisself.  It angers me greatly that while I'm dealing with people on the phone who don't want to do their jobs right and I don't have any power over them because there's no accountability; he's scrolling through his Facebook feed, or watching hunting shows, or visiting with friends.  By not taking care of this yourself when you could have, by putting me in a position where I feel I have to take care of it because I don't just ignore bills until I get sued or they give up; you let me know exactly how important I and my peace of mind are to you in relationship to your own.  Not impressed.

We loaded up and left.  We met Dr. Thompson.  Unfortunately the good patients of Kingman have run him off, he has no interest in working in a stressful place.  I don't blame him.  He's a dark-skinned African-American.  I still remember the rock outside of town and someone else said they can just imagine what some of the older people in town may have said when they saw him.  Bless his heart.  I hope he finds a place to retire and call home.  Seemed very competent and thorough.  We explained Eddie will continue to see Dr. Mahmood Khan because he's a special case and NP Jennifer Kern couldn't handle his case but he'll still come to North Country for routine things.  I had asked for a flu shot and chair Rx to replace the one written in 2018.  Eddie asked for a pneumonia shot and CPAP Rx too.  He had said he was going to talk to his friend Theresa's wife but I guess he changed his mind.  They were out of flu shots and aren't getting any more.  There are only 2 kinds of pneumonia shots and one is for under 65, one is for over.  I explained Eddie had one at Sunrise Hospital in Las Vegas, Cameo remembered it was in 2019.  He didn't get the pneumonia shot today because it was probably the same one he got last year and you're only supposed to get it once.  They took blood to do his A1C and it's very good.  The doctor wrote scripts for the chair scale and the CPAP  titration.  The doctor said normally you would simply call the CPAP provider and tell them it needed to be adjusted but Kingman seems unique to him so he wrote it anyway.  We told him it was a pleasure to meet him.  Eddie handed me Theresa's business card, so now he's expecting me to call her to arrange this adjustment even though he's the one that knows either her or her husband.  Even though he knows I HATE doing this and having agreed to do it for him and he doesn't even ask.

Got home.  Got into Care1st website.  There are no explanations of benefits on the website that I could find.  I read through a Member Services catalog and on page 43 it says if you get a bill for a service that is covered, not to pay it.  I've been on the phone, in their queue for more than 2 hours now, no answer.  My husband can hear the hold music playing but he can't figure out why I'd be upset with him.  Hmmm.  Maybe because you've got me doing what's really your responsibility?

Trust me.  I know.  I have a choice here.  I cannot change that he won't accept responsibility and that means he won't call on bills he doesn't understand.  He'll either pay or ignore them.  He won't do anything to move things along if he doesn't want to do it.  So if he doesn't want to go in, he's not going to make an appointment.  Like a lot of men, he's willing to risk his life rather than do whatever it is he doesn't want to do.  There are things in this I can change.  Am I willing?  I need more time to think it through.  At the moment though, yes I'm downright angry with him and if he wants to be obtuse, that's on him.  I sent an email to Care1st asking them to call tomorrow.

I thought about finishing my letter to the VA and even got up and pulled my service records folder but my eyes are tired, the light is fading, and if I'm going to look through them again; I'm also going to pull the records I want to make copies of to give to the VA.  And yes.  I just realized I made an error of thought.  I have 2 things going on.  1)  I applied for VA disability because it was required when I applied for social security disability.  I've reviewed my service records and while I was sent records from Fort Gordon, GA and there is info for my miscarriage and my broken wrist; there's nothing about my broken foot.  However, I did find I absence slip due to my injured foot that appears signed by the sick call doctor.  I need to specifically order the missing records.  2)  I'm being seen at the VA Clinic.  I was sent to Dr. Bernadette Braze at KRMC and she said I don't have sinusitis but both Multicare and my VA records indicate I do have sinusitis.  Multicare records have allergy test results and sleep apnea records.  I also want to give them a copy of my kidney stone test results.  I also saw in my VA records where my left knee was giving me problems.  Neurologist said it could be possible the foot could've started the neuropathy.  I think the VA and Neuro should at least have the records.  I was thinking I could do both at the same time but I think I actually need to do one, and then the other or I'll end up with a big cluster on my hands.

Weird thing I read today, from the Member Services handbook:
   Not an Emergency:  Headache, including migraine
   Emergency:  Severe, persistent headache

I'm not going to work on recipe organization.  My blog is done.  




 

Here's A Peek Inside

The idea for this blog occurred to me midday yesterday; but by the end of the day, I was too tired to write it.  It's too good.  I'm doing it today.  I'm going to give you a peek into the inside of my mind.  This is how my mind works.  These are some of my thoughts, captured for you.  I'm going to focus on one tiny iota of the universe of thoughts that go on inside my head at any given moment.

What miracles we are!

What if I tried to explain how checklists fit into my life.  I remember writing lists as early as 11 years of age when I started babysitting and earning my own money.  I made lists of how I planned to spend it.  I usually have a list at hand.  It helps keep me engaged in activities that move me toward my goals.

Oh yeah, yesterday I was reminiscing about my neighbors at Edwards Air Force Base, California and that I should write a blog about them, Barelas and Wendy.

My lists help me feel like I'm accomplishing something.

I'd been getting an increasing number of migraines and my neurologist put me on Topiramate. The side effects of Topiramate include insomnia, hyperactivity, confusion, anger, blah, blah, blah.  I got em.  I'm waiting to see my doctor again because I don't want to stop taking it!  Oh, the migraines were so bad and day after day after day.  That is no way to live!

In order to make this realistic, I've promised myself, I won't go back and make changes because it doesn't make sense.  This is my mind, sometimes it doesn't make sense.

I usually have a list.  If I don't have a list, I wander aimlessly and nothing much gets done.  People comment often on how organized I am.  My secret is that I have to be organized in my exterior because there is chaos within!

I've believed I have ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) since I educated myself about it when my 5-year-old son was diagnosed with it.  I was horrified at first.  I didn't want it.  I didn't want my son to have it.  And yet, I recognized us within the pages.  I've never been diagnosed by a doctor.  I never felt the need.  Like many females with it, I learned coping skills and didn't need medical intervention.

FUCK!  The voices in my head!  My voices!  The voices in my head won't shut up!  They're all chattering at the same time!  And they can't be heard.  And they know it.  So they're all increasing their voluME.  ANE NOWW!  THEY"RE ALL YELLLINGGG!!!

They're a dozen different ideas pulling my thoughts toward a dozen different directions.

BREATHE!!!!

Breathe!

breathe.

When I got up today I knew I was going to write a blog on this topic tonight.

I wake up.  I get up to go to the bathroom.  My husband asks me how I am.  I don't answer.  I've explained many times that I don't immediately know how I am and I don't want to wake up enough when all I need to do is pee and come back to bed.  I come back to bed.  I wake and roll over a few times.  I wake and become engaged in a program on television.  When it ends, I get up.  It's noon.  We don't normally stay in bed this late, but we did today.  I made coffee. I looked at my checklists for yesterday, which was Sunday, and today.  I chose the 10 items I wanted to accomplish today.  They were:

1.  Wash bedspreads at the laundromat
2.  Whipstitch hall curtain 
3.  Banana pie
4.  Drop off at FedEx 9-5
5.  Vacuum house
6.  Finishing touches on the guest room
7.  Brownies
8.  Get rid of old veggies in frig
9.  Blog-my mind
10. Photo org

I'm very excited because my sisters-in-law are coming this Saturday.  Cathy lives nearby in Phoenix and is coming for the weekend with her husband.  Debbie used to live in the same town as us but has moved to Texas and is visiting us for a time.  I love her like she's my flesh and blood.  

Whatever is going on in my brain seems to have the same characteristics as ADHD, little glitches, or potholes, where the communication bundle, or thought package goes missing, or more often is just temporarily delayed.  

I've been trying to figure out how to use my Amazon Prime Amazon Drive and Amazon Photos and Microsoft OneDrive benefits to organize my family photos.  I'm also trying to get all my cell phone photos onto a Cloud program so I can get a new cell phone as the current one has been broken for a year.  I accidentally had photos of my ex in a slideshow on the bedroom television of My Sugar Bear and my Love Shack.  Yikes!  It's fixed.  And I organized some more photos.  I also moved photos from OneDrive to Amazon Photos, so that's cool.  Now if I could just figure out how to retrieve my photos from the broken Verizon phone...I miss Cricket.  

I have to blog about that thing Mom was talking about on Sunday.  That's crazy!  I need to talk to her about that.  I hope she's okay.  Shoot.  Too late to call now.  I wouldn't think a fitting would be painful, just weird.  Maybe I should send her a get well card.  LOL.  I should definitely blog about it.  I can't believe Kathie Lee Gifford isn't joking about that!

I should also blog about Mrs. White.  Right?  Right.  

I sent my sister a text asking if one of her new granddaughters has a birthday on February 5, like one of mine.  I wrote notes in my medical notebook about my sinus issues and psoriasis.  A friend stopped in to visit with my husband. 

At four, I loaded a boxed up broken printer and two dirty bedspreads on the side by side and left.  I refueled at the Gas 'N Grub.  I took the box to the FedEx drop off location.  I returned home to pick up soap.  I took the bedspreads to the laundromat and washed them then returned home to dry them.  Eddie's six pm timer was going off when I got home.    

Every time I see "call attorney" on my list of things to do, I'm uncertain whether or not I should do it, I've decided I want to blog about it. 

I baked the pie crust.  I dusted the guest room.  I placed a tablecloth on the table.  Put the bedspread on.  Put the finishing touches on the guest room.  Vacuumed the entire house.  Changed out the bag.   

Helped Eddie in the kitchen.  I sliced up some bananas.  Whipped some pudding, milk, and cool whip together.  Put it in a pie shell.  Put the banana pie in the frig to cool.  Reheated some homemade broccoli and cheese soup.    

Took a call with our sons and their children. Discussed details of the upcoming vacation!  Such exciting news! 

Spooned up some banana pie, it wasn't set yet.  

Made a warm ham and cheese sandwich and ate it while I wrote this blog.  

It's the end of the day and much later than my usual bedtime, this is what is still on my list.  Remember when I said I chose 10 for the day?  Well, it so happens that even though I left 3 of those 10, I completed 12 things that didn't make the top ten list.  I also did many, many things not on the list, ever.  

1.  Whipstitch hall curtain 
2.  Brownies
3.  Get rid of old veggies in the frig

Anyway, thanks for coming along for the ride.  The pie still hasn't set.  Lol.  

I Prefer to Feel Foolish

Today I was dancing around my kitchen while I was pulling out the ingredients to make fudge while listening to praise and worship music. I was feeling so in love with my Heavenly Father and so grateful for all the blessings I have in my life.  

I'm emotionally immature. I was angry most of my life and was a rage-a-holic for at least a couple decades without even realizing it. Alanon saved my sanity. I found my way back to God but this time I found a God that I could understand, it means there are things about God I don't understand right now and that's okay because all will be revealed when I need to know or when I get to heaven.  

The thing is I've still got a lot of emotional growing up to do. I didn't get started until really late in life. My poor husband. It's like he's married to a 55 year old teenager. He's amazing though. He's a new Christian but God knew what He was doing when he brought the two of us together. I lost my mind the other night and was yelling at my husband and I'm not even sure why. I just know I was scared and angry and yelling and I know my man DOES NOT deserve to be treated that way. I told him I was sorry and the next thing he said to me was, "I love you". 

There have been and still are times I act a fool in my own crazy thoughts and self centered actions. When they are done, I feel so ashamed of myself and there is nothing I can do to remedy the situation.  

There have been times when I've felt foolish for acting out my Christian faith by praying in public, or giving God the praise for something He's done, or giving my testimony.  Afterwards, I've always been aware God was with me and I had no need to be afraid or ashamed. Today, I thought I might feel embarrassed if my husband and sister returned from the doctor early and caught me dancing for God with my arms held high.  

Today I realized I'd prefer to feel foolish for living out my Christian beliefs than to foolishly attempt to live without God in my own crazy and self centered thoughts and actions.   

2020-It's Going to be a Bumpy Ride

God has been working on me for many months now.  He's asking me to change again.  He has revealed to me that I'm not as honest as He wants me to be, especially with my family members.  I need to stop lying by omission or "shading" the truth to avoid hurting the feelings of other people.  I'm not talking about brandishing the truth like a weapon, as an excuse to trample the feelings of others.  I'm talking about speaking the truth in love. I'm referring to the truth that will set you free.

Ironically, I'm going to continue to use my pseudonym to maintain the privacy of family members who do NOT want their details shared.  Using a pseudonym is a common literary practice and seems appropriate for the time being.  If you disagree, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

God has been preparing me to face an emotional 2020.  I know there will be tears, pain, anger, relief, and joy.  I know this is where God wants to take me this year and He has spent months bringing me to a place where I understood and accepted His will for me at this point in my life.  I'm ready to allow God to remove this defect of character from me.

I'm a codependent.  My brother is an alcoholic.  That's not all he is.  He is a good man with many wonderful qualities.  I'm not going to enumerate them now because I need to explain how the disease of alcoholism has hurt my family over the course of 2019.  My brother lost his job, which was a government position with benefits and a livable wage after going through detox and rehab at least twice.  Our mother has had to act as a mother to her two minor grandsons instead of getting to enjoy being their grandmother.  My mother and I have had my brother's sons in our homes for the last year for their schooling because neither of them were doing well in school.  Our husbands, and I, have had medical issues which are impacted by stress.  Our marriages were stressed because our husbands weren't happy with the additional demands made on our time, energy, and financial resources.  It was a tough year.

It was made so much more difficult for me because of dishonesty and secrets.  I know, I know!  Addicts lie.  Guess what!  So do codependents!

So that's the goal for 2020.  Be honest with my family.  I'm going to practice:
     "Say what you mean, and mean what you say, but don't say it mean."  Unknown

I'm terrified that my relationships with my family members may not be strong enough to withstand so much honesty.  The Bible tells me repeatedly that I can trust God to be with me through my fear.  I don't believe it's wrong or sinful for me to be afraid.  It's simply another reminder of my deep, endless need for God in every part of my life.  When I'm afraid, I'll continue to talk to God about it and ask for help.

Buckle up though, my expectation is it's going to be a bumpy ride this year.  Happy New Year!

What Am I Doing With What I've Got?

My husband and I have been sick for over a year.  I've recently received a new diagnosis which is supposed to explain my vertigo; however, I still feel quite confused.  My husband still has no diagnosis but he does have a new, local internist and has been told he needs to have surgery on his hiatal hernia.  It's not been an easy year and it's very easy to become negative in the midst of all of it.
I still have MANY things to be grateful for.  I know God as my LORD, his son Jesus as my Savior, and the Holy Spirit as my guide and I expect to spend eternity with them in heaven.  I'm grateful to be in recovery.  Next, my life is full of love in the form of my husband, my sons, my parents, my siblings and their children, my grandchildren, more family, forever friends, friends in recovery, and a random stranger at Walmart grocery pickup today.  I'm very grateful to be in a happy marriage with the man God intended me to marry; we spend a lot of time talking and laughing and just being together.  I'm grateful that my Father God meets all my needs each day, I have:  a comfortable home, pretty clothes, food to prepare delicious meals with, and our bills are paid.  I'm grateful for these blessings and more:  a soft breeze blowing through the sidewalked and shadowed front of our home; the beautiful, jewel-colored bug I saw while watering today; plants that grow and delight and feed and shade and protect us; the beauty of nature in a hummingbird flitting about our trees; and a family of quail crossing my yard.

My husband very easily crosses into negativity.  He's tired, he's hurting, he's clammy, he's violently vomiting up stomach acid.  This has been going on for a year and a half.  For the last week, he hasn't done much but sleep and sit in the living room.  Not a single doctor has been able to tell him definitively what is causing his symptoms.  There've been guesses and contradictions.  There've been too many doctors who don't seem to have any compassion for their patients.  He's miserable and there's not much I can do to help.

I'm trying to help us both be more focused (and grateful) for what we DO have; because we have a lot!  I've gotten my old gratitude jar out and placed it on the kitchen table with paper scraps to write on.  We've each written one thing we can be grateful for and placed it in the jar.  We've agreed to write something else whenever either of us thinks we need to refocus our thoughts.

The more we practice this Attitude of Gratitude, the easier it will become to maintain a positive focus.
My hope and prayer is that when we focus on the good things in the PRESENT, our attitudes will continue to change for the better.  I pray we will learn to be content, joyful, and trusting.  Amen

Neuropathy Diagnosis and Week in Review

Well, it hasn't been the best of weeks, nor has it been the worst.  I was very tired by Saturday and my husband wasn't feeling well, so I took it really easy and pretty much only prepared dinner (it took all day).  Sunday wasn't much better.  Monday was a pretty bad day but I had an appointment an hour away with my neurologist, so we got up and made ourselves presentable.

I couldn't stop crying on Monday.  No major changes, just realized it has been a year and I still don't know what's causing the vertigo.  The provider confirmed records were sent to Broadspire as requested and the letter I sent was in my records.  She explained that Neuropathy is my diagnosis and the cause of my vertigo, and now we're exploring treatment options.  She said Neuropathy is progressive and won't go away.  She said I have it in my feet but not my hands which is bizarre since my hands and right arm seem to have much more significant sensation problems.  It is great to have a diagnosis!  Now, I need to educate myself on what Neuropathy really is, because it's evidently much more than I previously thought.

My nephew and I had class Tuesday through today.  He's sitting next to me, chattering nonstop, while I try to type out my thoughts.  He's able to stay on task and do his lessons with minimal assistance now.

Tuesday, I reached out to my sponsor and asked her to stop to visit after work.  We had a really nice visit, even though it's very hard for me to ask for help.  I did it!  My friend was a great help to me!  Lesson learned, hopefully.  

Now, he's sitting next to me, reading aloud from "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Assistant" by J.K. Rowling.  We've got the whole set to read and neither of us have read them all.

We've been sick most of the week because my nephew's little brother shared a bug with us and it has gone from person to person.  I think my husband has the worst of it today.  I had it bad yesterday and spent most of the day sleeping on the couch so my nephew could ask me any questions he had.

All in all, it was a decent week and we did what we needed to do and even beyond that.  We accepted adversity and made the best of it; we even got Federico's for lunch on Thursday.  My nephew has matured dramatically over the summer and we're working on more complicated skills now.  Woohoo!

I found out my last supervisor (the abusive one), has lost almost all her employees to positions in other departments and one employee even just walked off the job.  She screamed at a couple when she found out they applied to different jobs and accused them of being disloyal.  Someone needs to ask her what the common denominator is in her employee retention problems.       Hmmm.  Ironic that a person who is supposed to protect children from abuse is herself abusing her employees.

I've Been Offline

Hi everyone!

I apologize for not posting anything new in a while.  I had some emotional and physical struggles this summer and, quite frankly, didn't have the desire to say anything.  This says a lot about my behavior when I'm struggling.  You'd think this is when I'd ask for help from a friend or family member, but I don't.  I don't want to be a burden to anyone.  I typically wait until the crisis has passed, then I talk about it.

I NEED to start sharing with my friends WITHIN the struggle.  I plan to start tomorrow.  Yes, I'm also a procrastinator; however, I have set a goal and put it to paper, so I'm more likely to actually do it.  I'll let you know.

Obviously, I haven't abandoned this blog, I just needed to take a break.  I was reviewing the last book I read on healing from abuse, which caused me to think a lot about my childhood (and my siblings) abuse at the hands of my stepdad.  It was just too much emotionally and I had to step away.

I haven't decided exactly what or how often I'll be posting from now on, but I will be posting.

At the end of the 2018-2019 school year, my husband got sick and was hospitalized for a week.  The hospital was 2 hours away from our home, so I spent most nights with him.  When we returned home, school was over (Grandma finished up the last week) and I'd missed my nephew completing 4th grade with all As, Bs, and Cs.  Yay!  I'm so proud of him.  It's probably a good thing I'd missed it as I was letting my need to be successful get in the way of his success and I would've taken way too much credit.  He had straight Fs at the end of his first semester last year at a brick and mortar school.  He's doing much better with online education and a one-on-one Learning Coach.  Me!  Grandma has officially taken over coaching of his younger brother, who's in the 3rd grade now.

School was out and I was lost.  I NEED to contribute beyond myself somehow and not being able to work, or commit to volunteering because of health problems, had taken that away from me.  Coaching my nephew has given me the giving outlet I need.  He has now experienced learning success.  His dad and grandma are no longer receiving phone calls regularly from the school expecting them and my nephew to be more accountable than required of themselves.  I'm NOT saying ALL teachers are there for a paycheck, job security, and benefits; but some simply don't care about their students.  I digress.  School provided a framework for me; it provided structure.  School helped me figure out what I'm currently capable of doing.  I couldn't do this if my nephew was the kind of kid I had to chase around, but he's not.  I spent a week or two doing very little and suffering through multiple migraines.  Then, things improved again.  

I had identified a few goals to accomplish over the summer prior to the end of the school year.

First, my husband and I planted a garden (we didn't last year because we were both so sick and unable to even plan one).   My nephew helped as part of PE, Math and Science for school.  We planted vines, lettuce, spinach, tomatoes, sunflowers, peas, beans, carrots, leeks, onions, poblanos, bell peppers, herbs, and grapes.  I mostly just water and harvest.  Some did better than others, my biggest feat is probably the spreadsheet I began keeping notes in so we can make new mistakes each year instead of repeating old ones.  LOL.  My husband had been talking about canning meat for the last 3 years.  I taught myself to can when I had a huge garden in Nebraska, years ago but sold my equipment when I thought I was done.  We purchased a canner and supplies and started our canning adventures by canning meat from our hunts.  Then we used around 50-60 prickly pear fruits to can jelly and marmalade.  Success!

Second, we purchased 6 baby chicks and raised them after putting in a chicken coop.  They are healthy and happy and I love to sit quietly watching them.  Weird, I know.  Their names are:  Hippy, Dippy, America, WhiMe, Drumstick, and Dominique.  They should start laying soon.  I no longer feel guilty about food that doesn't get eaten because the chickens love the leftovers. Success and serenity.

Third, we spent the first five months of school sitting at our dining room table.  We had to clean up every morning and afternoon, because we eat at the table too.  There were always messes to clean after Science and Art.  Textbooks were in the next room because there was nowhere to store them nearby.  We started the summer thinking we would remodel the master bedroom which had a cave-in and the roof was repaired last year.  We're almost done with the remodel and will probably move in this weekend.  However, when we moved stuff around to make room for the tape and texture guy, we pushed two chairs under a huge desk and realized the desk and chairs would be perfect for school.  So, the desk and chairs now have a permanent place in what is becoming our classroom.  Successes both planned and unplanned.  LOL.  I love how God works!!!

As always, I would LOVE to hear from you.  

Smiley Faces Don’t Make it Sweet

So I received a group text addressed to myself and my sisters from my niece, Lily.  My brother Adam is turning 50 this year.  Lily’s flying in to surprise Adam.  Then she’s driving him 2 hours away to drive a race car but she doesn’t want him to know until they get to the race track.  Then she wants to surprise him with a dinner attended by friends, coworkers, and family.  She’s asking for at least $20 toward the race car and the type of car and amount of laps depend on how much we all pitch in.  She ended the post with “PLEASE DONT TELL!”. 

This says a lot about how my family has communicated historically. 

I’ve worked very hard to rid myself of gossip.  (Please see my previous posts on the subject.)  To my knowledge, I’m the only person in my family who has admitted I was guilty of gossiping. 

Eleven minutes later I received another message from Lily which stated she had sent me a long, group text regarding her father’s birthday.  She wrote, “Can you be sure to not talk about it to anyone other than your sisters?”  She stated she wants to tell everyone “in a timely manner (smiley face) word gets out fast and it has to be a surprise”. 

I was deeply hurt by this communication.  What makes her think I’m still a gossip?  I’ve not divulged any of her secrets.  Nor have I divulged anyone else’s stories to her. 

I responded to her group text that my husband and I will contribute and attend the dinner if our health permits. 

I responded to her private message to me.  I asked her not to share anymore secrets with me if she believes she can’t trust me with them. 

Ironically, Lily is the only person in my family who has attempted to get me to share someone else’s story (GOSSIP) with her, without that person’s permission.  She tried to manipulate me emotionally at first because she’s related to the person.  Then, she attempted to justify her demand for information because it’s unhealthy to keep secrets.  That may be so, but gossip is still gossip and I’m not going to participate.  He has a right to decide whether or not he shares his story.  If I respect him, I’ll respect his right to decide what he wants to make public or keep private.  She has to make her own choice.

Now, she’s saying she sent the second text to everyone because she “just wanted to say it separately to everyone”.  Which either highlights the fact that gossip has been a family problem or is her attempt to justify her accusatory text (smiley faces don’t make it sweet).  

Shifting the Blame or Avoiding Responsibility

Another characteristic of abusers is denial of responsibility. The abuser actively and constantly attempts to shift the blame for their actions or thoughts, from themselves to others. Abusers are unwilling to accept responsibility for their actions.

They minimize their actions and the aftermath. When I confronted my evil step-father Dick (by letter) about his abusive ways during my childhood (I didn’t have the courage to truthfully and concisely discuss the abuse, so my accusations were somewhat vague), he wrote back that he had “bittersweet” memories too.

Abusers claim others “made them do it” or “made them mad”. Dick was constantly talking to me about girls who were loose based on their appearance and walk. He made it clear that kind of girl deserved whatever she got. And all women are alike, so they all deserved maltreatment.

Abusers are rarely remorseful. Dick seemed quite uncomfortable with any show of emotion, except anger. I was encouraged to be angry with my siblings. When I was laughing or smiling, his demand was, “Why are you smiling?” When he didn’t approve of the emotion showing on my face, it was “Wipe that look off your face!” When I cried, he’d mock me or spank me longer. When I was bleeding due to an injury and crying, Dick threatened to let me bleed to death if I didn’t stop crying. I learned to deny my feelings for so long that eventually I couldn’t even recognize my feelings.

The abuser tries to make the victim feel responsible.

The victim is often expected to meet needs which are not their responsibility and often beyond their ability.  I never did anything to Dick’s satisfaction, my best efforts were always lacking. 

Once abusers are successful at making their victims feel responsible, the victims carry around an overwhelming sense of shame which makes them feel worthless. The abuser can then use that shame to manipulate and control the victim.

Often, other family members encourage lying or denial in dealing with the abuser; which reinforces to child victims that the abuser is somehow justified. When a victim tries to tell an authority figure about the abuse and is either not believed or encouraged to keep it a secret, they are led to believe they are somehow culpable for the abuse.

This is what the Bible says God feels about blame-shifting and the treatment of victims:

“Acquitting the guilty and condemning the innocent – the LORD detests them both.”                         Proverbs 17:15

This Chapter Was Over Decades Ago

The Rock was sent to his next duty assignment in Japan. He married a Japanese woman. While we were married, he would often tell me he wanted to be married to an Asian woman because he was fascinated by their dark, silky hair. For some strange reason, he sent me a photo of himself with his brother-in-law, and a trivet. He looks good in a kimono.

Twenty years later, I received a phone call from someone in Chicago. My ex-husband had listed me as a referral on a housing application. I was sure I misunderstood the caller. No. The Rock had just returned stateside and needed referrals for housing. I explained I couldn’t help as I hadn’t had recent contact with my ex-husband and had no idea what kind of person he had become. I told the caller I didn’t want to malign my ex-husband, but he was not a good person while we were married. Which is why we were divorced.

How does he keep finding me?

I had moved from California to Nebraska to Idaho. I had left the military. I had remarried and had a different last name.

Why does he keep finding me?

That chapter of my life is over and has been for decades.

Prince of Deception

My evil step-father Dick was a liar. Everything about him was a lie. He didn’t complete grade school, but he would use large words which he thought he understood. Often enough to make him sound ignorant, he would use them inappropriately. He didn’t want to be corrected: I tried.

We were told repeatedly that “we don’t air our dirty laundry in public.” We were taught to keep family secrets; at the same time, we were being told that God considers lying a sin. It is extremely common for abusive families to lie to hide the abuse.

Dick told me repeatedly that I was ugly, unlovable, stupid, of no value, etcetera, etcetera. These were all lies! Unfortunately, I entered adulthood believing all his lies.

Both of my parents and the church told me that a good girl would be a virgin on her wedding day. Dick took my virginity and when I realized it, I knew it meant I was no longer a “good girl” but I was confused because everyone talked like I had a choice in whether or not I was a virgin. I also had to continue lying to my mother because she didn’t know, and I felt a fierce need to protect her. I was profoundly confused.

As I got older, the sexual abuse stopped. When I began working, Dick knew when I got paid and would be waiting for me to arrive home. He would tell me he needed a favor; then ask to borrow my entire paycheck to pay a household utility. I lent him money every time he asked (I would have done anything for my mother and siblings); and he never paid me back. Once I realized what he was doing, I began going and spending my paycheck for what I wanted before I took it home. It didn’t occur to me until I was an adult looking back, but how did he pay the utilities before I started earning a paycheck?

As a teen, I purchased a vehicle using a bank loan. Either, I couldn’t have a title in my name or I couldn’t get a bank loan in my name due to my age. I did go pay on the bank loan every time I got paid until it was paid off. I was so excited. Until I saw my car on the corner with a For Sale sign in the window. (I had been grounded for breaking curfew and was riding the bus.) I asked Dick about it when I got home, and he told me he was selling. When the car was no longer there a little while later, I asked Dick if he’d moved it. He’d sold it. I asked him where my money was from the sale. His reply was “What money?” Lying, stealing, manipulative, abusive, evil man sold the car I paid for and kept the money. (Just when I think I’ve forgiven him, I feel angry all over again!)

I’m still confused by the level of lying in my childhood home. As a child, I lied all the time. I lied about my home. I lied about my step-father. I lied about my siblings. I lied to my step-father. I lied to my mother. If my lips were moving…I was most likely lying.

At some point, I stopped lying. I think it happened when I started to realize that Dick was evil. I think this was when I stopped overtly lying and began learning to deny the reality of the bad things that had happened in my life.

I became more and more verbally honest as time went by and even flipped too far the other direction; using the guise of honesty to say very hurtful things to people I claimed to love.

My mother (who has a pure, loving heart) doesn’t always embrace the truth. She often shades reality by suggesting it’s better than it is. I don’t know if she was in denial or if she was afraid that by facing the problems honestly, she would make them worse. This added to my confusion about lying and honesty.

Today, I hate lying, I pride myself on honesty; however, I’ve learned to be more loving in my approach. Every day, I’m conscious of the fact that I lived most of my adult life in denial of my reality and I need to be wary of doing it now.

I can’t stand a liar. I just figured out why today. What can I say? Sometimes I’m slow on the uptake.

My Experience with ADHD

I was gifted this amazing little boy from God.  His name is Fergus.  He has these amazing eyes, the color of almonds.  The sparkle with mischief and gleam with intelligence.  He is full of compassion for others and he’s curious about everything.  He doesn’t stop moving but he’s capable of slipping into super, super slow-motion when someone is waiting. 

For his first 4 1/2 years, it was just he and I.  Experiencing the world through his eyes with fresh curiosity and amazement was like a rebirth of sorts.  I didn’t have a radio in my car, so anytime we drove anywhere (which was often); we talked.  We talked like two adults.  Fergus had a very large vocabulary and an inquisitive mind when he started school. 

We didn’t have a lot of behavior problems prior to school.  He went through a biting phase and gave himself a concussion when he fell off the coat hook he was hanging on. 

His “behavior” problems started when he started school and my take on it is the schools had and have an expectation problem.  It is unreasonable to expect children as young as three years old to sit still, pay attention and behave perfectly for hours on end.  My opinion is that it’s unnatural.  Preschool was a nightmare. 

His Kindergarten teach was an amazing, loving and creative woman.  She called me to tell me he’d had a good day and I burst into tears of relief and joy.  She gave him a carpet square to use as an island and the classroom carpet was an ocean he couldn’t go into without drowning or being eaten by sharks.  It kept him from moving around her classroom and putting his hands on the other children. 

Fergus has always been a loyal person.  If you were his friend, he took that seriously and defended you if he deemed it necessary.  Which is how I got a phone call telling me he’d pushed another child off the top of the school’s playground slide.  That child had pushed his friend, so Fergus pushed him.  Off the slide.  Onto the ground, breaking the child’s backpack strap (when he tried and failed to catch him) but not injuring the child (thank God!).  I offered to pay for the backpack.

I took Fergus in to a mental health professional to be evaluated and he was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), which I’d never heard of previously.  I tend to question things and I seek out knowledge and proof.  I went to my local library and read everything they had on ADHD and ADD. 

As I read, I realized my son was being described and I was devastated that my perfect child wasn’t perfect.  Moreover, to my surprise, I realized that I fit the description even more readily than my child!  At the time, they believed there was a genetic component but it hadn’t been proved yet.  I’m convinced it’s genetic. 

Throughout the years, Fergus’ teachers would go on and on about how polite and likable he was.  Then, they started with the buts.  He can’t hold still.  He’s always touching others.  He doesn’t pay attention in class.  He doesn’t turn in his assignments.  He distracts the other students. 

Over the years, I’ve become convinced that ADHD and ADD run rampant in my family.  My mother and father both have associated behaviors.  Most of my siblings have characteristics of it.  Both of my sons have it.  Fergus has ADHD and Samson has Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), which is basically the thought problems without the hyperactive movements. 

I’ve never been diagnosed and I learned some great coping skills as a child.  Fergus had to be medicated before he was able to realize any kind of scholastic (behaviorally) success. 

All of the books I’d read told me not to expect a miracle pill, so I didn’t.  Imagine my surprise and sorrow when we switched medications and found a combination with dramatic results.  One after another, at the next parent-teacher conference; Fergus’ teachers remarked on what a difference there was in his behaviors.  It was PFM (Pure Fucking Magic).

At this point, I don’t think having ADHD is going to negatively affect my life. 

I Filed for Divorce

I joined the active duty Air Force. The sent me to Texas for basic training and then to California to my first duty station. The Rock called me while I was in basic training and told me all I had to do was tell my first sergeant I’d made a mistake, they’d release me, and we could continue our life together. I declined.

I was living in the barracks and enjoying the single life. I met a really nice guy on the dance floor at the Enlisted Members’ Club. We had a one-night stand and I got pregnant.

My parents told me The Rock showed up at their home in Arizona unannounced. He was traveling with a friend. He basically was trying to get them to climb on board his train of marital bliss for the two of us. They just needed to talk some sense into me. My dad Tom was home alone. He’s a retired highway patrolman. He offered The Rock coffee, then made sure he saw the handgun tucked in the back of his jeans as he reached to the top shelf for cream and sugar. The Rock and his friend left a short time later.

A day later, The Rock showed up at the base I was stationed at, without warning. I was about six months pregnant. He told me he wanted to reunite, and he would raise the baby as his own. We would be happily married for the rest of our lives. I couldn’t believe him. He had abused me throughout our marriage and now he wouldn’t? He would love another man’s baby and not abuse it? Right. I just couldn’t believe him. I told him I wasn’t going back to him and the only reason I hadn’t filed for divorce was because I didn’t have the money yet, because I was paying back my half of our debt. He continued to his new assignment in Alaska.

Three months later, I have the baby. A few days after I returned home, The Rock called me screaming at me because he wants me to take his name off the birth certificate. I tell him his name isn’t on it. It’s not and never was. I never considered putting him on it.

I file for divorce and it’s granted.