Troll Assault

I met Willie in high school.  I fell hard.  I professed to be a Christian but I didn’t trust God and was doing my own thing while giving God lip service.  Willie wasn’t a Christian.  He asked me to have sex with him.  I thought it over and told God, “I love him and I’m going to marry him so it’s okay for us to have sex now.”
A little while after we began having sex, I got pregnant.  I was terrified.  I told Willie and he said “Okay, let’s get married.”  I told him we were too young.  I miscarried a few days later, so we didn’t marry or even tell anyone about it. 
Willie had taken me to a party out in the desert.  There was a lot of alcohol drinking going on and I’m sure even some drugs.  Willie was drinking.  I don’t remember if I was but I don’t believe my judgment was cloudy if I did drink.  I didn’t start drinking heavily until after the following incident occurred.
Willie was a fighter and someone had told him a fellow student he had a beef was at the party.  Willie told me he was going to have his friend give me a ride home.  I was disappointed but Willie is not the kind of person you argue with. 
Instead of taking me home, Willie’s friend Troll parked in the desert and sexually assaulted me.  During the assault, all I could think about was Willie is going to be so pissed.  I had no idea how to stop it.  Due to childhood sexual abuse, I had no boundaries and no idea that I could say “no” forcefully and perhaps stop what was being done to me.  Part of me believed I deserved it. 
The next night, I told Willie what happened while I cried and cried.  Afterward, I clung to Willie as if my life depended on him. I knew he was the man I would marry.  I knew I would love him until my last breath.
I don’t know what lies Troll told Willie, but Willie and he showed up at my home one night a short time later.  Willie was drunk, banging on my window, and calling me names like “whore” and “slut”.  Troll was standing next to him egging him on.  I was devastated but I didn’t want Willie to get in trouble, so I asked him to leave and told him we could talk when he was sober.  He asked me to come out to talk to him. 
I headed to the front door, but my step-father Dick was standing next to the front door against the wall and he told me to go back to my room.  As I returned to my room, I saw my mom standing in her bedroom door.  I went in my room, went back to my window, and told Willie he needed to leave before my step-father called the police and we could talk the following day.   
I felt like I was a worthless, unlovable failure and I attempted suicide.  My behavior was out of control.  I started drinking all day and night, skipping school, and sleeping around.  My mom sent me to visit my biodad in Georgia, with my sister Tammi.  It was the first time we’d met our biodad. 
A few months later, I heard Willie had been in a motorcycle accident and was severely injured.  I called him and we finally spoke, but he told me he hated me and never wanted to speak to me again and seemed to be planning to commit suicide.
My heart hurt so bad, I pushed the memories and feelings deeply into my subconscious and Willie became a high school crush  who I thought had died after a motorcycle accident. 
I will love Willie until my last breath.